Stop the ride I want to get off...

Saturday, March 26, 2005

all I want is a hug...

No, really, some days that really is all I want. I don't know if it's just British men but I haven't met many who know how to hug properly. Not a quick squeeze then move on a real snuggle down and watch TV together all evening type hug. Thankfully my best mate knows how to hug, mainly I think because he loves to be hugged back. Hubby accepts that the pair of us are just hugging and that it means nothing else. But I really wish my hubby would stop being such a hug prude.

I had an idea for a new type of shop, the hug shop, but someone tells me it's already been done. Well would they hurry up and set them up over here please. I need hugs, I want to crawl into a big comfy lap and have a big pair of arms wrap around me and just snuggle. I want this so bad I have tears in my eyes thinking about it.

I often hug hubby, I try to stay longer, but after ten seconds, if we are standing, it's "Ok that's enough of that" and I am put aside. If I try to snuggle on the sofa he lasts a little longer, minutes maybe and then it's "It's too warm, get off." In bed at night, he cannot sleep touching, so he lies on his side of the bed, facing away and I lie the other side. I have cried myself to sleep some nights in this position and he hasn't even realised.

I don't blame hubby, he can't help how he was brought up. But I would love to know how to fix it. I could easily see myself having an affair with someone just for hugs. Thank heavens for my kids, they love to hug, but it doesn't completely fulfill the need. That longing to just be folded up and held, to feel safe and secure.

Over the passed four years through all our trials I have felt this need eating into me more and more. Some of my friends like to say , so eloquently, you just need sex. Hah, if only it were that simple. hugging isn't about sex, it's about human contact, it's about knowing that you're not alone whatever the problem. It's about handing over for those minutes and hours all your cares and just letting someone else hold them as they hold you. Just lately I've had so many cares to deal with. I could ramble on for a few more pages, but instead I'm going to post up a poem I'm working on. It's a work in progress, but I think it sums up how I feel right now.

Fights over
Tired now
What happens next?

Hopes dead
Futures gone
Wondering, will life go on?

On and on
Life goes
Will we ever get back on?

Empty sleep
Dreams lost
Maybe Hamlet had a point?

Friends lost
Guilt trip
Have we really beaten death?

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