Stop the ride I want to get off...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

life's not fair...

There are some conversations I wish I’d never had to have but instead I keep having to have them. This weekend Son and I went out for lunch, sneaky mum needed to find out if he was worrying again. As he has been acting up at school so in I plough hoping it isn’t what I think it is worrying him. It was… dammit!

But all that set me to remembering and realising what my mum said was true “Life isn’t fair.” Conversation starters that no parent should ever have to have with their child. I hope that because I’ve had these I’ve saved some other person out there from having to do the same.

Daughter: Mum am I going to die?

Mum: We hope not, we’re doing the everything we can to make sure you don’t. But you have to help us to beat The Lump.

Son: I’m worried you’re going to die mum.

Mum: Trust me Son it’s not on my list of things to do this year, and I’m doing everything the Doctors tell me to.

After Daughter finished treatment she went through a few months of hell, something they call Survivor’s Guilt, she knew two of her hospital friends had died. It took a psychiatrist to bring her back to us, it’s unfair that a ten year old has to understand death so well. Now I think Son is in need of some help, thankfully school is helping to sort this.

I have work calling and asking me when am I going back. I tried to explain to my boss that I didn’t think I would be coming back. It’s been a hard decision to make, I really enjoyed my job, but I have to put my kids first. These last four years they have been through so much and I feel that having mum at home when they need her is important. But there’s a negative part of me that also thinks what if? What if I do get reoccurrence and I waste valuable time I could have spent with my kids at work. Attending meetings, staying late to get marking done. Right now my kids still want to spend time with me, this isn’t going to last much longer, I should make the most of it. So now I just have to convince my Department Head. She’s a lovely woman but it just didn’t seem to sink in when I told her. Instead she asked if I still wanted to go on a training course. I feel like I’m letting work down, but surely letting my kids down has to take priority over that. Now I just need to pluck up courage to go into work and sit down with the head and my DH and let them know how I feel.

Maybe now you see why I call this blog Stop the ride I want to get off… other people’s lives sometimes look better. I feel like I’m at the amusement park on a rollercoaster looking across at the nice carousel and wishing I’d picked that one.

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