Stop the ride I want to get off...

Sunday, April 24, 2005

decisions, decisions...

Hmm, decisions, decisions, I thought of writing about nagging this week. Then I realised that Seamus would be moaning about lack of puppy pictures, then I owe you all the next part of Amy’s story and finally I have my first three month check up tomorrow and wanted to blog about how that’s making me feel. Nagging can wait, always more material cropping up for that blogline, puppy pictures, we’ll see. Amy’s story can wait but my check up is beginning to hang over me.

I’ve been pootling along quite happily till last week. Not really worrying about anything much, but then I was checking my calendar and realised it’s time to go see Mr Sawbones this coming Monday. I have no idea what sort of check up this will be, or how often these check ups will be happening, all I know is I am beginning to panic. Just a slow simmer right now, but by about 11am tomorrow I should be cooking nicely.

Oh there will be the customary grope, probably the taps down the spine, the does that hurt, well it ain’t pleasant. But will I have to face the boob squishing machine? I swear if they made men put their balls in that machine someone would have redesigned it by now. I have suggested to my surgeon that maybe he’d like to try it, but he just grinned and said he was glad to be male. Course being young, if they do do a mammogram they will then decide that they can’t tell anything from it and have to do an ultrasound. I prefer those I can read those myself. Lot’s of practice taking Amy to hers, you can learn a lot. But in between mammogram and ultrasound I’ll probably lose a few pounds in sweat. It’s the waiting that gets to you, you wait to see the Doc, you wait to see the nurse, you wait for results. All this waiting, very stressful and what are they now deciding is a major cause of cancer… STRESS! Shakes head and goes back to picking at the skin on sides of fingers.

So the slow simmer began Thursday this week, my sight has been going a bit haywire so I booked an appointment at the opticians. I have never liked opticians much since the one I had when I was a teenager. Having your old optician try and join you in the chair is very off putting, I now only go to opticians with prefabricated walls and generally ask them to leave the door ajar. This guy was nice enough, we struggled with that awful puffer machine, don’t blink I’m going to blow a puff of air into your eye… blink, blink, blink. Finally he had to pry my eye open and hold it that way till he’d fired. Shudder, I was beginning to think a nice needle would be better.

After that we go into the testing room and he does a quick check,

O: Ahh it’s your left eye that seems to need some adjustment.

N: Ok

O: I’ll just take a look inside your eye…. Stare straight ahead….

N: blink blink blink

O: And the other eye…

N: blink blink blink … thinks why is it only one eye… brain whirrs

O: Ok I’ll just write this up… starts writing an essay.

N: Great give me time to get rid of the glowing spots.

O: Hah hah…. Scribble scribble, we’re now producing a thesis.

N: brain goes whirr whirr CLICK… maybe it’s a brain tumour, you’ve got a brain met behind your left eye…. Whirr whirr… steam starts to pour out of ears….. time is slowing to a crawl, he now seems to be writing a novel.

O: So your eye’s are perfectly healthy no problems at all, let’s just see if we can adjust your lenses. .. he is completely oblivious to the fact that I am having a minor nervous breakdown.

N: k… thinks stupid girl stupid girl stop scaring yourself.

You see how this works? Ok so Thursday night I am sitting tapping away at puter when I think, my boob itches. Oh it’s the right one, why’s it itching, gives self grope… AGGGHHH LUMP! Pokes some more, definitely a lump, don’t be silly, you’re just scaring yourself.

Later on in the evening I go sit in the living room and hubby guesses somethings wrong, What’s up… Found another lump, really weird it’s all spongy like the last one. Panic flits across his face but calmly he asks When you seeing Mr Sawbones. Monday, we relax not a lot can happen in a few days.

Friday I wake up, period from hell, boob no longer lumpy, lie in bed for a few minutes and breathe. Right that’s it I am demanding they take my ovaries, I’m not going through this every month. Besides my lump was oestrogen fed, the Tamoxifen is supposed to stop oestrogen getting to boobs therefore I shouldn’t be getting this happening. Therefore let‘s remove the main source of oestrogen, afterall why keep something in my body that is producing something which is a poison to me? I don’t care if there is an increased risk of brittle bones, increased risk of heart disease, I prefer a decreased risk of Breast Cancer reoccurring.

Only a day to go and I see Mr Sawbones and let him takeover the worrying. Meanwhile, this morning was a beautiful morning and I managed to persuade the kids to come walk the dog with me….

Early Sunday morning... Posted by Hello

Specially for Tricia... I know she loves hats. This one is well chewed now. Posted by Hello



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