Stop the ride I want to get off...

Sunday, October 16, 2005

the biggest reason I don't want to die...

Is this little person, well he's not so little these days. But underneath the cool dude, nine year old bravado he is a vunerable little soul. This little boy has been through so much and yet still he keeps his sense of humour and his love of life. When he was four Amy was diagnosed with cancer, bless him he just about held it together. How I am never quite sure, but we talked when we could, and we hugged and even though he declares in a very loud voice that he doesn't love his sister. I know the truth.

I strongly believe that no matter what traumas the sick child goes through the siblings get the rougher deal. Not only are they having to deal with the idea that their sister might die, and you do have to let them know it's a possibility, if you don't some dear little soul at school or some stupid gossiping parent will make sure they know. So there they are dealing with that nice little nugget of joy and then the sick sibling heads into hospital taking Mum and Dad with them. When Dad isn't at the hospital, he's at work, or rushing you to or from whoevers house you;'ve had to visit.

Each day you get taken to school, maybe by mum with sister, but you're never sure who will be picking you up, and when you're four that's kind of important. George hated to visit the hospital, the car journey made him sick and after a day at school all he really wanted to do was go home and watch TV. Unfortunately for the first three months Amy was ill he didn't do that. Whenever we were in hospital he had to go to someone elses house. think how stressful it is to be a guest as an adult, then put yourself in a four year old's shoes. Not your toys, not your TV so you can't pick the program, not your choice of dinner and not your mum. The people who took him home were angels, but it can't replace home and your own mum.

Which is why it's hard to comprehend how at eight years old this little lad didn't fall completely apart when his mum got ill. We did have a few shaky weeks, but I just kept him off school for a few afternoons and spent time with him. We drew pictures, we talked and finally he came out with it. "I'm worried you're going to die mum." What could I say? I said the only thing I could at that point "Well I'm not planning on it just yet, and the Doctors say if I'm good take all my medicines and do as they tell me I should be ok." I then added "So will you help me when
I get scared and fed up. Will you nag me to take my medicine?" He did just that and more.

One week they were on school holiday and for some reason I needed a blood count done. He came with me, held my hand and kept me calm as my nurse mined for a vein. Oh yes she was digging in and out of my arm, that vein was not giving up blood. I got a big hug from the pair of them, and hot chocolate after. On the way home, trauma over, George was all about the gore of it all. So cool, and "you were so brave mum." When we got home he made me a cup of tea, and spent the rest of the day nearby. I have one very empathetic little boy.

The only times I cried during my treatment, were during chemo when they couldn't get the darn vein. Or when I would think about my kids growing up with no mum. That is the most scary thing of all, made all the more scarier when you see your hubby cracking up and lsoing it with them. Stressed by all that is going on he began to foxus on stuff he felt he could control. Homework, bedtime and bloody teethbrushing. I have never seen someone lose it over teethbrushing but he did. I would lie in bed those nights and sob, wondering would he be like this with them if I died, would he be worse?

Jinx, me dear pup, was begged for on two counts, I needed the company. George needed someone to whisper secrets to and get hugs off when no-one else got it. I leave you with some photos that I think show it best...

My two boys... ahhhh. Posted by Picasa

Yes that is the new uniform rolling around on the floor...  Posted by Picasa

Why I don't have to worry about George so much these days... thanks Jinx. Posted by Picasa


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