Stop the ride I want to get off...

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Something I have to forgive myself for...

This one is easy... not being their the day my mum's boyfriend tried to kill her. Even today I still feel guilty about this. I was only ten years old but I knew that if I left her alone he would do something. I had been dashing down the stairs to stop him beating her every night from when I was seven. Yet still she continued to live with him.

A friend of mum's had invited me to go with her and another girl to visit London and see the Natural History Museum. I loved that day, I still remember it, there was a fantastic exhibition on about bugs. With this interactive part on the life cycle of ladybugs and greenfly and how they were related. How weird is this that I remember that so vividly.

While I was out he came in, asked my little sister to go out and play. Now the important thing here is lil sis slept like a log at night, mum could vacuum her room and she wouldn't wake so she knew nothing of what went on late each night. So she went off out to play.

Fortunately for mum while she was out she suddenly felt she should go home. When she got there the boyfriend was throttling my mum. Even more fortunate was it that whenever one of us girls appeared he stopped the evilness and tried to act normal. Even now this creeps me out.

I got home, but was not taken home, after some whispered conversations between the adults I was taken to my Uncle's house where my mum was. She came upstairs and told me exactly what had happened while I was gone... why did she do this? As a grown up writing this out I really do wonder what on earth was she thinking... I suppose she wasn't really.

Why wasn't he arrested and charged? The bruises on mum's neck were there for weeks. We spent one night there and then we were shipped off to our dad's for the week. I don't know what he did and did't know. But everyone just pretended like it didn't happen... that was a crap day but it was only the beginning of complete and utter madness as this man went completely loopy. He had finally been kicked out, but he would come back and break in. I'd wake up with him sitting in my bedroom. Mum had me sleep in with her so he couldn't surprise us. Or kill her I suppose...

All the time my mum talked to me about this like I was a fellow adult. I am completely befuddled by this now. Yet, she will not talk about it now, when I tried once as an adult to talk about it she didn't want to, she denied it was that bad. Mum, dialling 999 and huddling in the living room waiting for the police to come while the man beats on the front door yelling obscenities was bad.

I still get scared when people shout, especially men. I still feel guilty that I wasn't there that day, I knew that if I had been he would never have gone that far. I would not have left the house. But I had never been taken out for the day since as far back as I could remember. The fact that I remember this so well tells you how humungous this day out was to me. So here I am putting this down in words... and you know what why should I as a ten year old have felt bad about being taken out for the day with friends? Why should I have felt my main purpose in life was to protect my mum? Shouldn't a ten year old expect her mum to protect her, from the horrors that were happening? Didn't I deserve a childhood?

So yes I should forgive myself... she didn't die, he did finally get help and it was NOT my fault. Sad thing is... I'm still not believing myself.. not yet.

3 Comments:

Blogger ppreacherswife said...

I hope you believe yourself soon. None of this was your fault. You were a 10 year old child, who had taken on the role of protector, which isn't a role any child should have to step into.

This is a story that many can relate to, unfortunately. I'm sorry you went through this, no child should have to live through what you have, please, forgive yourself.

4:00 am  
Blogger Michelle said...

Oh Noonie, this brings me to tears. I'm so sorry that you went through this and that you've been carrying around this pain for so long. (((HUGS)))

6:35 pm  
Blogger Jammie J. said...

I'm so sorry that you were not able to have "normal" childhood. So sorry that you felt responsible for your mom's safety. That is an enormous responsibility that no child should ever have.

It sound like, as an adult looking back you *know* that it shouldn't have been on your shoulders, but the child inside of you still doesn't accept that it wasn't your fault.

I think that because your mom talked about it then to you when you were a child, but won't talk to you about it now as an adult is maybe making even harder for you to process... because *that* doesn't make sense either.

3:45 am  

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