Stop the ride I want to get off...

Apologies...

2010-12-04T22:31:00.002Z

for lack of posts and if anyone saw that awful comment that slipped passed the spam checks... have had to turn on word verification which I hate.. but really the comment was disgusting.

Will be back to posting as soon as I get my Christmas Tree up... first have to persuade men in house to get it out of the attic first.... or drop it down a branch at a time.........

Something I hope to do in my life...

2010-11-07T22:25:00.002Z

Oh this one was so easy... one day I hope to hold my daughter's child. Shh I didn't say that out loud... don't tempt the jinxes.

But when you've had a daughter go through chemo, radiotherapy and you watch her grow up into this beautiful girl you do wait with almost baited breath. We know there is a chance she might not be able to have babies. But we've asked enough of her Docs to know that it's only a chance. Let's get this in focus, when she was ill there were often chances she wouldn't live. She is still here today.

In the end, you just have to live for the moment. We've discussed it, the Doctors and I have emphasised that while her chances of conceiving are less than most, it is only really the length of her fertile years that we hope has been affected. So she needs to start early... "Only not too early, I don't want to see you in here pregnant at 15" one Doc said to her. I almost got whiplash nodding that day.

We don't know if any of the drugs she had might have damaged her eggs genetically. But again that's luck of the draw and hasn't she shown us what she thinks of luck of the draw?

So yes, I'm waiting for that day and I will sob buckets of joy, tears escape now, tears of pent up fears I suppose. But if we end up having to support her through adoption there will be the same tears of joy for that baby too. I just hope she has an easier ride of it than I did.

I hope to hold my daughter's child in my arms one day.

Something I have to forgive someone for...

2010-11-04T22:54:00.002Z

Hmm semantics are definitely at play in this one...

Something I HAVE to forgive someone for...

There are lots of things I could forgive various people for, my hubby says I'm like an elephant I never forget and unfortunately I can bear a grudge for a very long time. But something I HAVE to forgive...

I honestly can't think of anything bad enough to need me to forgive someone, and I don't bear a grudge maliciously ... much. Then there are things that are bad.. see previous days meme. But honestly I refuse to forgive anyone for those events. Maybe one day but not yet... I haven't finished resenting them. I'm not that big a person, maybe I should be... I guess all this material would be brilliant for some therapist out there. Fortunately finding a therapist in the UK is difficult. I know I tried last year and then decided I'd rather be depressed and messed up.It was entirely too much effort.

So no I do not have anything that I have to forgive someone for, not at this point in my life... move along there nothing to see today.

Something I have to forgive myself for...

2010-11-03T23:15:00.003Z

This one is easy... not being their the day my mum's boyfriend tried to kill her. Even today I still feel guilty about this. I was only ten years old but I knew that if I left her alone he would do something. I had been dashing down the stairs to stop him beating her every night from when I was seven. Yet still she continued to live with him.

A friend of mum's had invited me to go with her and another girl to visit London and see the Natural History Museum. I loved that day, I still remember it, there was a fantastic exhibition on about bugs. With this interactive part on the life cycle of ladybugs and greenfly and how they were related. How weird is this that I remember that so vividly.

While I was out he came in, asked my little sister to go out and play. Now the important thing here is lil sis slept like a log at night, mum could vacuum her room and she wouldn't wake so she knew nothing of what went on late each night. So she went off out to play.

Fortunately for mum while she was out she suddenly felt she should go home. When she got there the boyfriend was throttling my mum. Even more fortunate was it that whenever one of us girls appeared he stopped the evilness and tried to act normal. Even now this creeps me out.

I got home, but was not taken home, after some whispered conversations between the adults I was taken to my Uncle's house where my mum was. She came upstairs and told me exactly what had happened while I was gone... why did she do this? As a grown up writing this out I really do wonder what on earth was she thinking... I suppose she wasn't really.

Why wasn't he arrested and charged? The bruises on mum's neck were there for weeks. We spent one night there and then we were shipped off to our dad's for the week. I don't know what he did and did't know. But everyone just pretended like it didn't happen... that was a crap day but it was only the beginning of complete and utter madness as this man went completely loopy. He had finally been kicked out, but he would come back and break in. I'd wake up with him sitting in my bedroom. Mum had me sleep in with her so he couldn't surprise us. Or kill her I suppose...

All the time my mum talked to me about this like I was a fellow adult. I am completely befuddled by this now. Yet, she will not talk about it now, when I tried once as an adult to talk about it she didn't want to, she denied it was that bad. Mum, dialling 999 and huddling in the living room waiting for the police to come while the man beats on the front door yelling obscenities was bad.

I still get scared when people shout, especially men. I still feel guilty that I wasn't there that day, I knew that if I had been he would never have gone that far. I would not have left the house. But I had never been taken out for the day since as far back as I could remember. The fact that I remember this so well tells you how humungous this day out was to me. So here I am putting this down in words... and you know what why should I as a ten year old have felt bad about being taken out for the day with friends? Why should I have felt my main purpose in life was to protect my mum? Shouldn't a ten year old expect her mum to protect her, from the horrors that were happening? Didn't I deserve a childhood?

So yes I should forgive myself... she didn't die, he did finally get help and it was NOT my fault. Sad thing is... I'm still not believing myself.. not yet.

Something I love about myself...

2010-11-02T20:41:00.002Z

Tough day to answer this one, as I completely forgot that before I went out for my meeting last night I had downed a large mug of coffee and then at the end of the meeting someone bought me a coke. 3.30am I suddenly realised why I couldn't get to sleep. Finally fell asleep at 4,.30am only to be woken by Jinx ( my dog) at 5.10am growling in the kitchen with the odd Wuuff. Went down to get him, he settled down on the floor in the spare room where I was "sleeping" so as not to disturb hubby. Fell back to sleep 5.40ish he wakes me up desperate to go out. Chased off any foxes, I didn't hear any, pottered about while I leant against the patio door waiting.

I'm seriously not feeling the love today, depression really kicks in when you've not gotten any sleep, then woke and weighed in to find that after a week of being really really good and swimming three times, I'd not lost an ounce! Even if I moved the scales about the floor a bit. We'll ignore the point where they claimed I weighed more.

Headed out to meet friend and pigged out all day, depression can do that to a girl.

So what do I love about myself? I like my eyes, although since the hysterectomy they don't change colour as much. I like that when I am given a challenge I rise up and get on with it. I like that I always try to help a friend in need, in any way I can. I like that in an emergency I can pull it together and be useful. But what do I LOVE about myself?

Suddenly the first meme seems so much easier... I honestly don't think I LOVE anything about myself right now. Ask me in the Spring...

Something I hate about myself...

2010-11-01T17:31:00.002Z

I hate a lot of things about myself. I hate that I fall into the depths of despondency as the dark days set in, I that I have to sit with a light box every day or slip into the depths. I hate the weird moods I get in when the depths are threatening. I hate the paranoia that also comes with it.

But then is that about myself of about the depression that I suffer from? So I don't hate that about myself but hate what it does to me. The depression comes with the dark days so I can blame the dark days for causing the depression and hate the dark days not myself. Hmmm

I hate that I work best to deadlines. Give me something to do with no end date and I will never get around to it. I will procrastinate my way out of doing it. Give me something to do and say I need it tomorrow and I will produce my best work and on time no matter what it takes.

I hate that I am so insecure, I am so ready to believe that someone does not like me. It makes me keep myself to myself, if I didn't force myself to go out and contact folks I would easily tuck myself away in the house and never leave. Yes, this is what I hate about myself... my insecurities.

And starting again...

2010-10-31T20:36:00.002Z

A few friends here in bloggerland are struggling to write like I've been and one of them Angi found this meme... so I'm aiming to do this one day a week for the whole of November. I also signed up for Nanowrimo... we'll see where this goes...

Here is the list in case you might want to do the same...

Day 1- Something you hate about yourself
Day 2- Something you love about yourself
Day 3- Something you have to forgive yourself for
Day 4- Something you have to forgive someone for
Day 5- Something you hope to do in your life
Day 6- Something you hope to never have to do
Day 7- Someone who has made your life worth living
Day 8- Someone who has made your life a living hell or treated you badly
Day 9- Someone you didn't want to let go but drifted from
Day 10- Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn't know
Day 11- Something people seem to compliment you on the most
Day 12- Something you never get compliments on
Day 13- A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough days (write a letter)
Day 14- A hero that has let you down (write a letter)
Day 15- Something or someone you couldn't live without, because you've tried living without
Day 16- Something or someone you could definitely live without
Day 17- A book you've read that changed your views on something
Day 18- Your views on gay marriage
Day 19- What do you think of religion or what do you think of politics?
Day 20- Your views on drugs and alcohol
Day 21- (senerio) Your best friend got into a car accident and you got into an argument just an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22- Something you wish you hadn't done in your life
Day 23- Something you wish you had done in your life
Day 24- Make a playlist to someone and explain why you chose the titles. (post the titles, artist and letter to that person)
Day 25- The reason you believe you are still alive today
Day 26- Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, why? When?
Day 27- The best thing going for you right now
Day 28- What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29- Something you hope to change about yourself and why
Day 30- A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about you!

Wedding Anniversary...

2010-07-11T15:49:00.003Z

Today Paul and I have been married for 18 years. It really doesn't seem that long, and it's had its ups and downs. But I think we'll be aiming for another 18 years.

We went out with the kids to a nice Pub Restaurant for lunch. We've come a long way since lunch out with the kids used to involve taking it in turns to go for a walk with them. Now they are both good company, helped us to demolish a bottle of wine and had their dad in tears as they did their usual comic sketch routines.

I hope in 18 years time we will do the same but sat with us will be their spouses/partners and hopefully some grandkids too.

2010-05-09T16:48:00.001Z

Daily Mugshot

Do I feel foolish...

2010-04-12T20:57:00.002Z

Put my back out pushing shopping trolley round the supermarket Easter Weekend. Had to wait for weekend to be over to call Osteopath, many painkillers later I went to see Claire... miracle worker, I won't say I skipped home but I could tell she had fixed the problem and once the various bones etc had found their right places it would be good.

I decided to go fetch something from the top floor... on the way down the stairs I slipped... four steps later and a loud scream I am on the floor at the bottom of the stairs being helped by one large black labrador... Jinx french kisses from someone who licks his nether regions is not helpful... two teenage kids... now I know they care... and I realise that the thing that is hurting most is my little toe.

I realised that as I slid to a halt at the bottom of the stairs my toe had impacted, with all my weight behind it, into the door frame. Son took off my sock and I examined the toe, it appeared to now be made of jelly (jell-0) much to my horror. Amy and George got me downstairs and Amy taped the toe to the other one.

So much for the trip to the osteopath, I ache all over and my toe is now developing the most awesome of bruises. I can walk on it, but not for long. I want to go swimming but am nervous about the effect of this on toe.

I guess I need to rebook to see Claire at least someone is getting something out of this.

For my next trick...

Retail therapy and friends...

2010-02-07T20:19:00.003Z

I am sitting here chilling after a great weekend. My best friend came to stay, we went shopping, didn't buy much. Ok so I bought a new laptop but that has been on the shopping list for months, been looking for just the right machine at the right price. My current machine was bought back when I was diagnosed and is finally on it's last legs. So much so that I have actually backed up and will do so tomorrow just to be on the safe side.

But it was just nice to potter about the shops, stop for coffee, potter some more, try on mega expensive clothes in boutique clothes shops, because I can! Was so funny though, the shop assistants were passing in tops, "Try this." "This is gorgeous."

Well you try them on, and step out, Simon is like "Oh yes that's nice, like that. No not that." go back behind curtain take off top, hang back on hanger and nearly pass out at price tag..........

One top was £230... who buys a casual top for £230? I almost texted Simon from the changing room to say "Dis the top quick... " but managed to escape without anything. Needed coffee after to recover mind. I could understand maybe for something really really classy for a very special occasion... but this was just not that kind of top. How the wealthy live... might as well sit outside the shop and just burn money.

Still it was fun trying them on, but I don't think that even if I won the lottery I could have brought myself to waste money like that. I'd rather send a donation to charity.

We also had an evening at friends, with all the kids, played the biggest game of Perudo, Indian takeaway and a snuggle with my friends' cat Coco. Coco has just been diagnosed with cancer, so I had a chat with him about joining the club. We compared notes, he played chase the toy with me and we had a cuddle. I hope this is one of those really slow growing old age ones, I've known Coco since he was a kitten. I rescued him and his brother out of a tree.

Yet again the Big C raises it's ugly head...

PS Nine people playing Perudo = 2hour long game.

Really, I don't feel well...

2010-02-01T22:28:00.003Z

I've been battling some kind of infection in my chest since New Year's Eve. Antibiotics got the worst of it, but the cough just would not shift. Finally sorted myself out to see the Doc I really get on with and after two visits he diagnosed bronchitis, gave me an inhaler and some steroids and sent me off for a chest X ray.

It seems that maybe my mum's years of chain smoking around us as children have paid off, lung damage... thanks Mum.

My son has been in stitches watching me try to use the inhaler, I just could not coordinate breathing in, squirting the inhaler and keeping my tongue out of the way. He described it as like watching a cartoon, as my eyes would suddenly bulge in shock and then I would madly lick at my arm trying to remove the vile taste. I quickly went and bought myself a spacer and solved that problem. I don't like the way the stuff makes me feel so jittery, but I have to admit breathing is kind of fun. Funny what you miss when you haven't been doing it so well.

The steroids were another thing, why anyone would take this for any reason other than medical is beyond me. My chest X ray was clear, and now I'm just trying to let my poor lungs repair themselves from about a month of dry coughing.

Finally felt well enough to pack up the Christmas Decs into their storage boxes and heave them up into the attic. A friend came round to help and it feels like a huge nagging beast has been chased away. I had moved everything into one room and the garage but still every time I saw them sat there I realised it was getting closer to Feb. Anyone else still not put there's away yet?

I've also been clearing through stuff in this house, we moved in three years ago and finally I have pushed myself to go through some of the bits and bobs that never found a home. Some would say, just throw it out, you didn't need it. But I found some stuff I've been hunting for since the darn move.

Jinx had his 5th birthday on Jan 23rd, I cannot believe he's five. He is currently snoring away in his basket, much more laid back these days but still the best decision I ever made.

I am going to try and just write a little each time I log onto the internet... I'm not going to worry about what I should write, why I should write... just ramble and see if that gets me back to blogging. I have been enjoying reading everyone's blogs but it's time to get back in the saddle.

Sorry if this was a bit of a nightmare round robin letter type post... I hope to improve.

Noonie

Why don't I write?

2009-08-06T20:33:00.002Z

I have been trying to work out why I never post here anymore. It took me a while but finally I figured it out. I got lost, I started to read lots of different blogs, quite a few were knitting ones. I felt I should put some of my knitting here and then whumpf... my blog writing dried up.

That wasn't why I set up a blog. I set up my blog to tell a story and I guess it may be time to get back to that one. I'm going to tidy up around here and see if I can't find my way back to writing again.

Bear in mind, it's school holidays, I just dug up 40lbs of potatoes from the garden and last time I said this another year went by. But cross everything. By the way, does anyone have any good recipes for potatoes? Or ways to store them...

Pardon me for being dense...

2008-09-30T22:20:00.002Z

but how is it us ordinary folks are having to come up with the cash to bolster the banking system, when it's not our fault? I mean, if anyone should be being handed the bill shouldn't it be the idiots in the banking system who got themselves into this mess. Didn't those folks during the build up to this take enormous bonuses, invest in large houses, holiday homes, boats, shares etc?

Why aren't they being made to give back some of this stolen money? That is what it is, stolen money, they tricked ordinary hard working folks into digging themselves into so much debt that the system couldn't cope anymore.

Do you remember the days when people talked about their bank manager with respect? It was considered an important event when you went to see the bank manager. Now if you book an appointment at the bank for some advice and help you get handed over to some marketing person.

I have a tale to tell about that... I'm saving it for another day, but a word of warning don't let your kids go talk to the bank about setting up their grown up accounts without you. From what I've seen banks are no longer respectable, they are filled with dangerous marketing sharks out to fleece the customers. Apologies to the few honourable bankers still out that, I have a few friends in the business who are not like that.

So when are the governments going to put someone up on trial for this mess? Someone needs to be held responsible, someone decided that getting rich quick using the earnings of hard working decent people was ok.

Statutes of limitation...

2008-09-27T10:41:00.002Z

Do they ever apply to household incidents? I wish they did, when we first moved into this house I set about turning this show home into a home. So out I went and bought some extra furniture, which of course meant my trusty rechargeable screwdriver was out and about. Somehow between moving in and just after Christmas the charger plug vanished.

Over the last two years I've been on the look out for it. Even to the point where I scoured the house for any unattached black charger plugs, gathered them all on a large table in the garage and played match the plug to the device. Nothing, nada, nil. I gave up and tossed all the orphaned plugs into the box and left them. I have my suspicions, I live with a man who likes to tidy... only he doesn't tidy he piles, or he dumps stuff into the garage. Not where it should go, not in a tool box, no he just dumps as near to the door as he can.

So when he bursts through the bedroom door today - I'm in bed with a really bad cold - he's all holier than thou about the charger for the electric screwdriver. Trust me, I am almost 100% sure that he instigated its loss. No doubt he threw it into the garage along with some other tools he was gathering up and now of course it's all my fault.

Why does he need the screwdriver.... why is he so sensitive about it all... because he decided to have a tidy up, after ranting about the mess, no consideration for the fact I've felt like shit and been dragging myself out of bed just to get kids to school and home and fed... All week he's been out late at work for dinners, while the house has got messier. In his mad tidy up he hung every coat, seater, etc he could find on the coat rack on the wall in the hall. We have plasterboard walls... the whole thing fell down and of course we are all bearing the brunt of his embarrassment, I now sit here in fear listening to him hammering at the wall. Does anyone know the name of a good plasterer?

What he still hasn't seen is that if he'd just handed the kids all their many items of clothing to put away this would not have happened...

Excuse me while I go and scream.. oh wiat I can't my throat hurts too much.

Map or instinct ...

2008-08-25T14:25:00.001Z

You decide. But consider this, hubby and I went to find a foodstore, we finally found one and did our shopping. Getting to the shop had not been simple, I think we went around the whole town once and we weren't entirely sure how to get back to the cottage and the kids.

I pulled out the map, hubby laughed, "We'll figure it out he says, look up there, autres directions, simple." Famous last words, I wondered if I'd see the kids again, memories of our last trip to France flash before me. I was clutching a map then when we attempted to leave Amiens, the city with no exits.

We reach the first junction, "Rochefort! We passes there on the way." This man is highly intelligent yet missed the mistake in his logic, I did try to explain, even pointed at the map. Fellow females you needn't read anymore you know this tale. We drive off fast down this road which I've just managed to identify on the map.

There is one exit in less than half a mile and then none for a very long time, almost all the way to Rochefort, our village is in the opposite direction. I managed to convince him barely in time to exit. He is making jokes and again chooses a direction with instinct just as I point the other way. Insults are exchanged and as signs show I might be right finally he pulls over and I demonstrate that I can still read a map. We turn around and set off...

We do this a few times and finally, bless him, he realises that when in the middle of French countryside you follow the map. We made it back via the scenic route, I've seen it now can we leave it.

By the way how is it the same make of Brie tastes sooooo much better here?

Posted with LifeCast

Auras...

2008-08-24T13:42:00.001Z

It always amazes me how old religious sites keep their sense of peace. We are staying at a converted monastery and for the first time in a long time hubby had lie in this morning.

I felt relaxed as soon as we arrived, maybe there is an aura or maybe it's being in the middle of nowhere, but I love it all it lacks is the sea.

Geolocate this post

Posted with LifeCast

summer's been busy, and wet...

2007-09-03T22:12:00.000Z

I just spent the weekend in my home town as it was my sister's wedding. Spent the week before manically baking and icing cakes but I managed it and the results were good and appreciated. Then took my mum and brother to the zoo for the day on the Sunday. That was nice too as spending time with my mum is a nightmare as she smokes like a chimney, at least at the zoo we were all outside so there is plenty of fresh air.

Today is last day of the Summer holidays, tomorrow George has to go into school for an hour and a half to see what its like, he starts senior school this year. My baby is eleven and all growed up.. well kind of. Amy was thirteen... I repeat THIRTEEN on Friday. This is not possible, I cannot be the mother of a teenager. Although she's been acting like on for years. We went to see sing-along-a-sound of music with some friends, all dressed up it was brilliant.

Today I plan to clean the house from top to bottom while George is out at a friends. Amy has begged to go out for the day tomorrow, so I have said only if she helps me all day today. Ahh blackmail and bribery the essentials of modern parenting. if all we achieve is to get everything back into it's rightful place it will be a miracle. Wish me luck....

noonie's back...

2007-03-25T16:21:00.000Z

I am so sorry, life just got so hectic. After the skydive we went straight into buying and moving house in less than six weeks. I have a beautiful new house, away from all the old memories. Hubby had been pushing for a move for the last few years but I didn't want to leave my support network behind. Admittedly they are only down the road, but it's not the same as them being next door.

Finally this Summer I realised that I was ready to move forwards. So I started looking, this brand new build house turned up and I fell in love. Mainly with the kitchen, it is a kitchen that just makes you want to cook. Kids and I made mince pies, cookies etc for Christmas. We haven't done that in a long time.

My final total fundraising, after the Gala Dinner I was asked to organise a raffle for was £10,000 for Cancerbackup. I was so proud of myself. I am now fundraising for Cancer Research. Though how you top a tandem skydive I don't know.

I've been trying to work out why I have found it so hard to sit down and blog these passed few months. Finally I realised that I was worrying about boring the non knitters with knitting posts and the knitters with non knitting posts. So this afternoon I have made a decision, you can all work the scroll button, so I'll jsut post what I need to and let you decide if you need to read it or not.

I am trying to get some order back into my life. Wait, no, not order routine. I need routines, I can so easily waste a day, a week, even a month without even noticing it passing. I don't like this about myself. I need to learn to have some self discipline and knuckle down to the jobs. I have some big ideas for running my own small business but at this rate I'll have retired before I've started, or someone else will beat me to it.

How do other people manage to blog everyday? Do they have a timetable, a list of topics? What about getting anything done if you're a stay at home mum like me? It's so easy to get home from school drop off and just sit in front of the TV. Tips, hints and naggings all gratefully recieved...

I can fly...

2006-11-19T23:24:00.000Z

Saturday Nov 4th I looked out and saw that the weather was great, today was the day. We jumped int he car... well crawled it was 7am and headed for McDonalds for breakfast then drove down to the airfield. RAF Weston on the Green in Oxfordshire isn't that far away but the journey took about an hour. Was I nervous? Nope just very excited, hubby, daughter and our babysitter came with me. George stayed at home didn't want to help scrape me off the ground.

So after a talk on safety and technique.. dangle don't mess with the equipment seemed the general gist. We then had the more important talk, how to look good on your DVD! I was relieved they had their priorities this way round. WE then had about an hours wait while I practiced my poses for the DVD and my daughter seemed to get more and more hyper. She was definitely worried, but also excited and wanting me to get on with it....

So here's what happened...

One step beyond... Photo by Dave Francis

I'm flying Photo by Dave Francis

Beautiful day for flying... Photo by Dave Francis

Nearly down.... Photo by Dave Francis

I did it!!! Photo by Dave Francis

I cannot recommend the experience enough, when I can figure out how to get the DVD online somehow I will... Many thanks to Loz Cross my Tandem Master and Dave Francis for great photos, brilliant DVD and reminding me to wave and breathe.

If you want to sponsor me belatedly... then click here

noonie's leap

2006-11-01T22:28:00.000Z

Saturday November 2nd, I will again attempt to make my tandem skydive for Cancerbackup I would really love to reach my target of £2000, better still would be to find enough generous pockets to make it to £3000. Go on, it's a great cause and you've just spent the last month hearing about Breast Cancer and how it affects lives.

For those who missed in comments...

"didn't get to jump, due to low flying clouds..

hopefully will fly in Oct. Has to be on a Saturday as the base is military during the week.
noonie | Homepage | 09.17.06 - 11:10 pm"

final countdown...

2006-09-15T21:51:00.000Z

At 8am BST I have to be at the airfield for my Tandem Skydive. We get thirty minutes of instruction, which I suspect consists of "Don't touch anything, do as you're told and have fun." Depending on the weather and how many of us are jumping I then wait around to make the jump.

I'm hoping that my partner will be good at this stuff,and smell sweet. My friends have been saying that they hope it's a he and he is hunky. Personally I just want someone who will make me feel confident and keep me distracted.

I'm not nervous tonight, excited a little hyper but not nervous. I think I'm not nervous because I cannot even imagine what this experience is going to be like and I welcome that. Finding out my daughter had cancer was an experience I never expected to have and was outside my comfort zone, as was my own cancer. But this will be a positive experience, even if I beg, scream and wail at the last minute. If it's anything like when I abseiled the first time, I'll lose it at the top and be dashing back to try again at the bottom.

The link to sponsor me is here

I'm almost at £2000 please help me take it over that,

hugs to you all

noonie

schools open...

2006-09-05T22:31:00.000Z

ALLELUJAH!!!

It's been a long haul, these last few days have been so hectic. Where are your trainers? What did you do with the new shirts? Why is your new blazer stuffed under your bed?

My poor house, where once there were clear surfaces there are now piles... piles of books, magazines, paper... what is it with kids and torn up paper? All my usual projects are piled up around the place, I think I need to sign back up with the FLylady. Fortunately I have an incentive, my friend is coming to stay and in order to find him a bed in the spare room, some major clearing is required.

I've also got to settle down and start mailing out to local schools so that I can sell jewellry at the Christmas Fairs.

Then there is the International Scarf Exchange, have to decide what to knit for my pal. Need to find out who they are too, I need to trawl my junk mail files in case the email is hiding.

Of course all of this is to take my mind off something very special...

Saturday 16th September 2006 I shall be jumping out of a plane at 10,000 feet, strapped to an expert... I hope... all for charity.

I have set myself a goal, to raise £10,000 in a year for Cancerbackup. This charity is amazing, they were my main source of information written in understandable language. They have a 24hour helpline to call and sometimes it's easy to forget how important it is to support the charities that support the people who have, think they have or have a relative with cancer. Cancerbackup is available to anyone who has the internet. Nearly all the leaflets I found useful that were handed out at hospital were written by them. If you want to see the site go here...

If you would like to support my Leap please visit my page for donations. This is a clever system that means I don't have to collect in money from folks far afield and my friends all over the world can support me.

I'd really like to reach at least £2000 before I leap.

Find me at Noonie's Leap

Thanking you all in advance and hoping you'll pass this on...

parents 0 kids 3...

2006-08-04T22:00:00.000Z

Still alive, as are both my kids so far so good with this school holiday. Was helped by the heatwave breaking for a week and the kids going for skiing lessons at the Snowdome. A heavenly place where they have snow indoors in the middle of a heatwave. Picture this, all the parents out onthe balcony of the bar shivering and saying "Isn't it great?"

Skiing actually looks fun, I never thought it would be but now with some nagging from Amy and George I am considering trying it. After the equivalent of four lessons they are now free to ski when they want at the slope without supervision. They were skiing down fromt he top of the slope and loving it. You never know maybe I have produced the next Eddie the Eagle. Although my children are better looking.

I have been busy trying to keep the children busy. So far so good, sibling warfare has been kept down to a low hum, mainly just low grade niggling at each other. We've been walking lots, swimming, seen a few films, many thanks for Grandpa for helping to pay for that. One more week and then we head back to Norfolk with Jinx. Which reminds me I must ring the place and check my booking is ok as I had ticked the box to send a cheque and forgot, but can probably show up with cash.

I am completely exhausted but holding out for the week in Cornwall when Dad gets the week off and the kids are officially his. I have already informed him of this. I think he thinks I'm joking. So just in case I have also booked a trip to Chicago to meet up with friends, chill out and generally pretend I'm not a mum for a few days. Only a long weekend but enough to just find myself again.

There are times I wish we could live in the US again. There are many good things about living over there, not just the shopping and food. But then I remember the local news in Houston, and stuff I hear about raising kids and I figure staying here is perhaps a better idea. Not because here is better, but I understand the systems here and how life works better so I can protect us from the dangers. I wouldn't be as confident in another country.

help, I'm melting...

2006-07-21T16:31:00.000Z

Back and had a great time. My sister is a wise soul and owns this tiny static caravan in Norfolk. We had a ball, although did have to be really careful about not making any major messes, youknow how sisters can be. We have rebooked to return in August in one of the bungalows on the same site, will take the dog and spend time with sis and her three kids.

The weather has been glorious, but now it's just too hot. We have had constant 30 degree heat, I have no idea what that is in farenheit but in celsius it's a killer. Bear in mind we just aren't used to heat and so are not set up for it. Air conditioning in domestic houses is a rare thing, although the portable units are finally becoming cheap enough to invest in if needed. We could not get the upstairs cool by any of the usual methods, those being fans, windows open, windows closed, curtains shut, forcing the kids to fan us constantly. I mean what is wrong with this country it used to work. So now we have a very noisy, probably very overpriced unit that has to stick a hose out the window, but it has made sleep a possibility.

I warn you now, all you women who haven't yet reached the menopause, hot flushes and hot weather are an evil combination. Finally today it was cool enough to take the dogs for a walk in the woods, where the thick canopy of leaves was keeping cool air trapped, the dogs were in doggie heaven sniffing and hunting and just running about. This afternoon the kids and I headed to the pool and cooled off. Today I feel almost human, although just a couple of cool nights would be good. Don't get me wrong I love having nice weather, but my poor garden is dying, my veggies are doing great and my nerves are teetering between murder and insanity.

We have just under seven weeks of school holiday to go, so far so good the kids are both alive and well. But it's been too hot to turn on the puter, too hot to send them outside and why do kids need the TV on at three times the normal volume? Are they worried I might be missing out?

ttylater I have to go figure out what we can eat that doesn't make us all feel sick just thinking about making it.

holiday...

2006-07-10T23:26:00.000Z

Am off to Norfolk with the kids for a week, see you all soon, will get back into blogging on my return.

Hugs to all

ok, every one can breathe now...

2006-07-05T22:26:00.000Z

Had my scan result, no cancer! YAYYY!!! No idea why hand is numb so MRI on Friday morning, will be in touch soon, am busy making jewelrry as I have been to my first school summer fair and did quite well, another one this Saturday. Tell you more after that, kids finish school on Friday... AGGGGGGGGHHHH!

numb fingers....

2006-06-12T21:40:00.000Z

Sorry to not have posted in a while, have been enjoying the weather, sunshine is not to be sniffed at. Finally got the patio half cleaned, enough to set out the table and chairs. Now if I can just get the mould off the BBQ... I always mean to clean if at the end of Summer, then come Spring I am cursing myself. I think we need a new one this year mind, the burners are looking very rusty and just a little unsafe.

My garden is blooming, and full of vegetables. I have photos to show but cannot find the camera, it got tidied during unpacking. Mission for tomorrow. I have been spending evenings when it is cooler pottering in my greenhouse, have already harvested four courgettes (zucchini) and have tomotoes forming. Am also looking forwards to harvesting the first potatoes.

The children have only four more weeks of school then they have holidays until Sept. I am taking them to stay at my sister's caravan the first week, provided I am well. The caravan is right by the sea, just a few sand dunes to get over to go to the beach. Unfortunately Jinx is not allowed to come with us.

This weekend is a terrifying first... friends are holding a large family party and have asked families to bring a tent and camp inthe garden. So we have bought a tent and the kids are insisting we should go camping during the holidays. Help me!!! did I mention there will be fireworks at this party, I hope our tent survives.

I am in the middle of a medical flap. I returned fromholiday and had lost sensation in my right hand, my right foot is a little numb and my left hand comes and goes. I had been told I had Carpal Tunnel by a Doctor, but went to see my Osteopath who said nope not Carpal but soemthing isn't right. Then while I was away on holiday and not knitting, beading or using the computer it got worse. On the drive home even more so. I went that night to see my specialist and he tutted and said C3 and sent me to get my neck x-rayed. Turns out three vertebrae are closing up. This could be a. whiplash injury I didn't realise I got, b. arthritis or C yeah that C cancer back. So they are pulling my total body scan forward a month, and then will do MRI. Fingers crossed everyone... wish they'd hurry up and send me the appointment, I know there is only one scanner in the region as it is a brand new process.

It's a weird life I live in these days... arthritis or Cancer? Hmm I'll take arthritis for ten please... I'm fine, just have to laugh, nothing I can do about it right now, worrying will only make it worse. Most of the time I'm fine, I did have a little scared cry today. But then I cheered myself up by doing this...

I opened the big parcel my Secret Pal had sent me. She has been an absolute angel and I have been utterly useless at posting on here. Yet she got me pegged down to a t. The package contained cotton yarn in bright yellow, my favourite colour I am probably going to make myself a wrap with it I xsaw a pattern in Knitty for one that I liked. She also sent me lots of toher bits and bobs that I will list in detail tomorrow with a phot as I will find the darn camera. Before the big parcel there has been cards, notes, CHOCOLATe... a cute book, I think there was something esle but my chemo brain is struggling to recall. I kow every little thing that has arrived has made me smile. I saved the big parcel for four days before opening it as I just enjoyed looking at all the little parcels wrapped up.

That's what I love about Secret Pal you get to have Christmas all year. I am working on a parcel for my own spoilee, am hoping I can make it as wonderful as the one I have recieved.

Anyways I need to go knock back some drugs, remember at school when we sat throuigh all those lessons, Just say no to drugs... ROTFL I wish I could.

Will try very hard to post again tomorrow, love to you all, those that are still reading...

back and I need a holiday...

2006-06-05T21:58:00.000Z

Help! Just got back from annual trip to Centerparcs and I need another holiday. It was as usual very relaxing, low key and fun. But now I have to unpack, do the washing and get back into the routine of life. Why can't life be all Center Parcs. I did have fun though, saw loads of ducklings, had tame squirrels and a feral cat that visited every day for fusses.

I took the boys canoeing, rediscoverd my love of roller skating and am saddle sore from cycling. When I clear the washing I'll put up some photos.

fountain of youth...

2006-05-24T22:08:00.000Z

I have discovered the fountain of youth, but you're not going to like it much. Last week my best friend Simon had his 25th birthday and I teased him about getting old. Thirty is at the bottom of the slope, you know the kind of thing. He turned to me and in his usual way reminded me that I am much older than him.

But this time I didn't gulp, I didn't think .. oh no forty in two years. I realised this.

I am no longer getting older, each year now is a bonus, one I shouldn't have had. How can I ever get upset about that?

Secret Pal 8 Questionnaire

2006-05-18T22:30:00.000Z

Hi guys, sorry just after I vowed to come back and blog regularly I lost all feeling in my index and pointer finger. Was waking up int he night in agony as it felt like someone was putting red hot needles into my arm. That and my hand was completely dead. Went to Doc who said Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, you need to have a nerve induction study done and maybe surgery. Sod that I thought and toddled off to my Osteopath.. am feeling much better, although last trip it got a little worse but better than before I saw him at all. See him tomorrow, and this time I will remember to put splint back on for the first few days.

For my Secret PAl.. thanks for card, book and e-card. All three times you made me grin...

Here's my questionnaire..

1. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with? What fibers do you absolutely *not* like?

I don't have any favourites, I like to experiment. Personally I cannot wear wool, it itches and I come up red raw, but as I am currently doing the City and Guild Hand knitting course I need all the different types of yarn I can lay hands on. Even just a few cms of a yarn with a label identifying it would be of great help when it comes to making collages, and samples for my coursework.

2. What do you use to store your needles/hooks in?

I have an old knittingbag just for my needles, and a cheap toolbox for all my other bits and bobs. I have the material to make knitting needle cases but just haven't had the time yet. Was planning to make the ones in Stitch n Bitch.

3. How long have you been knitting? Would you consider your skill level to be beginner, intermediate or advanced?

Since I was 6, I'm advanced in some stuff and beginner in others. But when I set my mind to it I canusually figure it out.

4. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?

Nope

5. What's your favorite scent? (for candles, bath products etc.)

Rose, lavendar... oh and Lush Honey I washed the kids.

6. Do you have a sweet tooth? Favorite candy?

I love chocolate, hate boiled sweet type things, but am currently watching weight as I am doing a tandem skydive soon.

7. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do? Do you spin?

I have recently taken up beading and jewellry making. I am also hoping to find to scrapbook. I don't spin and don't plan on it, hubby would never forgive me I already fill up too many rooms in the house.

8. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD)

I have an ipod so use whatever format that uses. Music I like is uhm... difficult sways about I generally know when I like something but don't have particular favourites, cept Kylie and Robbie Williams, but I n all their stuff.

9. What's your favorite color? Or--do you have a color family/season/palette you prefer? Any colors you just can't stand?

I seem to like pink these days, used to hate it.

10. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets?

Married, two kids aged 10 and 11, boy and girl and a Black Labrador who is 16months old and a big softie.

11. Do you wear scarves, hats, mittens or ponchos?

In the winter when walking the dog I wear anything that keeps out the wind and rain.

12. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?

Since discovering socks I'm loving them, the plain pattern with the self patterning wool type... I just love watching the patterns form.

13. What are you knitting right now?

Uhm... this is going to be a long list... samples for my C&G course, two pairs of socks, blue aran cardigan, blanket for a baby in squares from Debbie Abrahams books, a big snuggly chunky one for my son again in squares from Debbie's books.

14. Do you like to receive handmade gifts?

They are the best of all gifts, time is precious and to make something means someone gave their time up for me.

15. Do you prefer straight or circular needles? Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?

Mainly I use bamboo needles and only use circulars when apattern calls for it.

16. Do you own a yarn winder and/or swift?

yep, both, love em, use the winder to combine different wools to fingerknit into scarves.

17. How did you learn to knit?

My childminder taught me, stop me getting bored.

18. How old is your oldest UFO?

two years?

19. What is your favorite holiday?

Uhm, if this means celebration then Winter Solstice, if it means holiday away from home... then our annual trip to Cornwall.

20. Is there anything that you collect?

not really

21. Any books, yarns, needles or patterns out there you are dying to get your hands on? What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?

I subscribe to a few but am waiting for some to start arriving. I always read Knitting, Simply Knitting (subscriber) and I think I signed up for Vogue Knitting and Interweave...

22. Are there any new techniques you'd like to learn?

crochet.. Fred keeps tellign me it's easy...

23. Are you a sock knitter? What are your foot measurements?

I seem to fit the basic foot pattern, I'd rather not put my measurements here I have weird feet...sigh

24. When is your birthday? (mm/dd)

It was in March.

me and my boys by the seaside...

2006-04-25T22:32:00.000Z

Beside the sea... Oh I do love to be beside the seaside...

Last Wednesday we packed Amy off to Snowdonia with the school, where she was spending three days. Went home, took my time packing up the car, walked the dogs... and then the three of us got in the Groovemobile and headed down to Bournemouth.

Jinx first long car trip... he did great, although insisted on sitting up and watching for the first two legs of the journey. hence breaking journey into four bits, was worried about him sitting up so long. He loved the service station stops, all those smells, it seemed as if he had just found the best novel ever to reead each time we stopped.

Made it to Bournemouth and the hotel without either Jinx or George being sick. Checked in, took Jinx and George up to room in the lift... Jinx first time in a lift, I got the feeling he wasn't impressed, or maybe he didn't like the other dog that kept getting in with us. Mirrored back wall to lift... ROTFL.

Collapsed as you do after driving for miles and George and Jinx watched TV. Beautiful room with balcony, sea view and very large for a basic hotel room. Once my friend Cat arrived we headed out for a walk along the prom and beach. Jinx was so excited just sniffing the air, he knew something special was going on. Then we got to the railings at the top of the cliff and he froze. Black Lab heaven was in front of him... the biggest expanse of water he had ever seen.

Well, that was that he had to get down there, he loved it. Funniest thing watching him taste it for the first time, he didn't seem bothered by the sand. As it is before 1st May he was allowed to run free ont he beach, fortunately there weren't many people around. Jinx is not vicious, or even temperamental, but he is a big dog, black and likes to bounce to say hello. Not a problem with doggie people, but small children are at risk of being bowled over, adults get covered in paw prints. I've found the trick is to try and get him to work off some energy before going to crowded places. I have also learnt not to try to reach him before he reaches small children, but to reach the small children. He would never intentionally hurt them, but I can imagine when you are that little and this big furry animal with a large tongue bounces towards you it isn't pleasant.

When he is calm kids love him, he is handy for cleaning up sticky messes.

I'll tell you more tomorrow, maybe Thursday as fundraiser is tomorrow and the house is still a disaster area. Getting there though, see you all soon.

remember what the Easter Bunny left last year...

2006-04-17T22:33:00.000Z

Remember this? I don't know how I managed without him. Look how much he grew... oooh and look I have lots of hair now. It does grown back.

I think he's saying "She should go to the groomer next time." It has to be said he is a sexy beast. Such a loving soul, am taking him to the seaside on Wednesday for a couple of nights with George. Wonder what he will make of the beach?

sleep, kids and holidays...

2006-04-12T21:52:00.000Z

It's the Easter Holiday here, that means the kids are off school for two and a half weeks. At first this sounded wonderful and the first three days were great. We got out the crafts, Amy invited two friends round and I taught them what I had learned the week before. We made Easter cards and watched DVDs.

But riddle me this, in term time getting Amy and George up in the morning is like waking the dead. When holiday comes around, George is waking me up at some unearthly hour to ask questions. How does he do that? Amy is already moving into teenager sleeping patterns, if we see her before ten we take her temperature. There is one really wonderful bonus to holidays.

Usually I get up first let Jinx out, make a mug of tea and commune with it for ten minutes. Then begins the rounds of yelling up the stairs to remind folks to get up. Jinx and his mate Jerry come to school with us some days, most days Jinx comes with us for the ride, worried that I might not walk him. Then the dogs get walked and I crawl home and collapse for an hour. But in the holidays...

I get up, usually the same time, as hubby is a noisy soul when he gets ready for work. I sneak down, let Jinx out, make a mug of tea, by which time Jinx is back and waiting by the door. We head up stairs, throw the old blanket on the bed and snuggle down together for another hour or so of sleep. Bliss...

Tomorrow my best mate and partner come to visit... WOOHOO! Kids are off to wear out their grandparents for part of the day, and tomorrow night Amy is having a sleep over... that means no sleep for anyone unless they are wearing earplugs or I borrow a gun.

I plan on putting some new photos up soon, maybe just a post of photos to catch y'all up. For now I need to sleep... last night I was messing with beads and time ran away, when I looked up at the clock I couldn't read it. My eyes were unable to focus passed my nose, after much squinting I realised it was 2.47am... Ooops! Am so tired today, going to bed in a few minutes, night all.

I'm back... no really I am...

2006-04-08T15:19:00.000Z

Me creeps back in and brushes off the dust and cobwebs. I feel so bad, I let this slide, although I have let a few things slide lately. I guess the Winter managed to control me again, I feel like a bear who has just been hibernating. But now it is SPRING! My absolute favourite time of year. I’m back… really this time I am.

I wonder if I’m still talking to anyone? I know how tiresome it is to keep checking a blog and find that there’s no new post. My humble apologies, lethargy and such are not a real excuse.

I have been busy though, Nanner would be proud of me, I learnt to bead and am now chronically hooked. Crafts of any description should have a health warning. I’m also working on scrapbooking in an effort to clear out all the STUFF I’ve been saving for the past few years. Knitting is moving along, I’ll catch you all up on that in a day or so. First I need to update on babies, dogs, and life.

Hubby and I seem to be doing better which is a relief. He got a new job and I’m so proud that finally he made it to Director. He was meant to get to this step on the ladder when Amy was diagnosed but had to pass. Finally he is back to where he should be, although he talks a lot about early retirement... please no… him home 24 hours a day 7 days a week? It just doesn’t bear considering besides with all these new crafts I’m taking up we need the money. Muhahahaha…. cough, cough, sorry don’t know what came over me.

I am close now to deciding that going back to teaching is not worth the stress and hassle that will entail. I feel my kids need me, and if I recall this is the same discussion I opened with just over a year ago when I started this blog. I won’t really feel I’ve given up the idea until I actually pack up all the teaching resources and sell them off on e-bay. Are all teachers pack rats? I am looking into studying more about various crafts and maybe setting up a workshop service.

The kids are doing amazingly in their new school. George is finally beginning to figure out the social stuff. He still has his moments, but at least he is now controlling his temper and has made a good relationship with his headmistress. A wonderful woman, I am so grateful for all her help. George’s grades had all gone up this term and he is most proud of being top in his maths class.. Go George!

Amy seems to be heading more and more towards becoming a performer. She started singing lessons at this school and gained a new, fabulous flute teacher. She is taking her Grade Three exams Summer Term and is so confident. Last week was the Big Production, they performed Barnum and she was in the chorus. We barely saw her all week, but the show was fantastic and she got so much out of it. She’s also been accepted into the chapel choir, no mean task. The Choir Mistress had said to her “Oh we aren’t taking anyone till September now, but I’ll listen to you now.” After Amy sang she said “Can you start Summer Term?” Go Amy! I’m not sure if Amy is thrilled about this because it means her singing is good or because they pay them for attending rehearsals and services.

Amy is also very excited that she got one of the treasured places on the School Ski Trip. If any of you recall my fun and games finding travel insurance last year… imagine the fun I had this time. While school does organise insurance I do not trust companies to cover her for anything, therefore I make sure we cover her too.

Jinx is keeping me busy along with his best mate Jerry the English Springer spaniel.. Yes he is Jerry Springer! I take them both for a walk each weekday morning. Jerry’s mum, my good friend had to go back to work and he needed someone to take him. Walk one dog, might as well walk two and they both have fun together. Although I could do without the “Hmm let’s eat fox pooh…” or “Woohoo look fox pooh let’s roll in it.” moments. I’ll try and get a photo on this entry, but I don’t want to be put off posting this… I’ve missed you all, been trying to keep up on some blogs, really need to sort out my blogroll, maybe sort them into categories. Thanks for being patient….

can't stop long.. knitting...

2006-02-25T14:56:00.000Z

Aggh, having the kids off for half term week was not helpful. Will blog more on Monday, suffice to stay I am struggling here. Finished the plain blue jumper, got the cream one to sew up and still need to knit two sleeves for the pale blue one.

I have till 10pm my time on Sunday... can I do this? YES I CAN... maybe...

the night before...

2006-02-09T22:47:00.000Z

So I checked in at The Yarn Harlot's and it seems we number in the 3000s. I find it to be pretty weird that all over the world 3000 or more knitters will all be casting on as the opening ceremonies begin. It's also very comforting, to know that I'm not alone in my fascination with this ancient handicraft. As The Yarn Harlot said in her book.. we take a piece of string and two sticks and make fabric (I'm paraphrasing here as the book is upstairs.).

I did finish the baby clothes, used some stamps to personalise the tissue paper I wrapped them in, packed them up and will post them within the next week. They are sooo cute and dinky, but if anyone says they are making baby clothes because they are less work hit them for me. Smaller needles, thinner yarn and just as many seams to sew up. I'm squeezing in lots of love with these gifts this is a baby who is desperately awaited. Cross everything that she makes it...

Found the fourth trainer sock but haven't blocked them yet, will do that tomorrow. Have completed first sock of second pair for me. Sorry no pics of those yet am cracking on with the second sock. I love the Opal self patterning yarn, it's amazing watching the pattern grow on the needles and all I do is knit.

Finally resorted to drugs to get some sleep, a certain well known cough mixture works very well at knocking me out and I feel a lot better. My plan for the weekend is knitting, reading and resting...with a few good walks with the dog.

George has been off school till today, same fluey bug that Amy had. Wouldn't mind but they are off school next week for half term. At least they won't be ill for that. Amy is off to France with the school for five days and very excited. George and I are going to go visit Simon and Dan in Cheltenham and I will drag George down to Bath to see where I lived and went to college.

Here is my work station for the Olympics... it's got a good view of the TV, and you'll note that the ironing board is all set up ready for steaming before seaming.

Here's my three cardigans that all need to be finished by the closing ceremonies if I'm to get a gold medal.

Cardigan 1 - Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran - Dark Navy Blue.

This is an old pattern I knitted many years ago. The pattern was from the Essentials Magazine. These days Essentials doesn't do knitting.

Progress so far... all parts knitted. Shoulder seams have been seamed.

Left to do... button border, buttonhole border, pocket tops, sew all the seams.

Cardigan 2 - Sirdar Denim Sport Aran - Cream with flecks

From Sirdar The Denim Book of Aran Knits - Design D

Progress so far... back, two fronts, one sleeve all complete.

Left to do... sleeve, neckband, make up and fit zip (Ulp!)

Cardigan 3 - Patons Washed Haze Aran - Denim Blue

From Sirdar The Denim Book of Aran
Knits - Design E

Progress so far... back, one side, one pocket lining.

Left to do... one front, one pocket lining, two sleeves, two borders, pocket borders and sew up all seams.

I think I might be wishfully thinking I can get all this done... but I've invested a great deal of time and money so far and still have nothing to wear. This is a great way to focus me back to the task. I should have three really yummy cardis by the closing ceremonies.

To those who have no interest in knitting... I'll try to not be too knitterly for the whole Olympics.

training has begun...

2006-02-06T22:39:00.000Z

So what do I need? Track pants? Training shoes? Nah....

I'm stocking up on plenty of yummy snacks, bottles of wine and so on. For I am taking part in the 2006 Knitting Olympics. To coincide with the Winter Olympics over 2000 of us will be casting on and knitting for our craft. To find out more click on the sidebar button. I'm looking for some cheerleaders to keep me going.

Each of us has set ourselves a challenge, mine is to finish the three cardigans I started knitting for myself. If there is one thing I hate about knitting, it's the finishing off part. So I am getting in shape for the games.
Over the next few days I hope to get uploaded photos of where I am, lists of how far I have to go and a general order of work.

As part of the training time I am finishing off baby clothes for my friend, knitting myself a second pair of socks and trying to find the fourth sock of a set of four trainer socks so I can block them all.

I'm also battling unbelievable tiredness, I've not felt like this since I was on chemo. I can't seem to get over it, I may just have to take a week off of life to catch up. From my reading I think this is to do with the hot flushes I am plagued with. Sudden onset menopause is a real barrel of laughs. Apparently it messes with your REM sleep, I can tell you it messes with my ability to be tolerant of hubby's snoring. What are the statistics on wives murdering snoring hubbies and does it correlate with larger numbers doing it during menopause.

So that's where I'm at, that and nursing George back to health, he too has been hit with the virus that is plaguing everywhere. He's loving being ill... he feels so special. Fortunately so far, none of us has started growing feathers, cheeping or asking for seeds for tea.

for Seamus...

2006-01-30T22:53:00.000Z

Well Seamus always asks for more pics of Jinx... seemed an easy post to pull off... take a look at the new photos I've uploaded to my photo blog.

HERE!

mars and venus...

2006-01-23T21:50:00.000Z

Apology and excuses first....

I am so sorry for vanishing for almost a month. Have upped my anti depressants and have almost got the house back to normal after the six weeks in bed. It amazes me how hubby claims it's all my mess, yet when I stay in bed for six weeks the house got in a worse state than usual. Packing away Christmas Decorations was a mammoth task this year. But we got there, and another year has passed and Amy said see you next Christmas to the nativity set. I remember when she was ill her doing that and I had to hide behind the tree so she wouldn't see me crying.

Just had my check up today, oh the joys of the nasty mammogram machine. All normal, so far so good. Today was Jinx first birthday. How does a dog know it's his birthday? Tis morning he was acting just like the kids do on their birthdays.

I also had a deadlin e to meet with a piece of knitting, will show you all on Thursday. Suffice to say I am very proud of myself and loving my treat to myself.

Back to topic...

"We women deal with fear differently to men. They just beat what they fear into submission. We meet it, let it wash over us and then get on with it."

found at http://www.20six.co.uk/Jennytc2/archive/2005/11/

This quote struck home with me. Is this why my hubby didn't cope so well with my duaghter and I being well? Cancer isn't something you can beat into submission. Is this why my son is a social wreck at the minute, we are trying to build him back up. But you do have to wonder what goes through his head. He's a lovely lad, empathic, loving but over sensitive. Which wouldn't be a bad thing if his reaction when he gets upset wasn't to lash out and hit, or presume he's being bullied or picked on. Life has been picking on him, but now we have to get him to see that it's time to move on. Already at the age of nine he is lost when he can't lash out at what he fears. His young way of dealing with it, lash out at something else.

I just hope we can get through to him before it becomes a habit.

Meanwhile my hubby did seem to be improving.. heck I can't even claim to be a nun anymore.... well not in 2005, if twice counts? It's all stopped and we carry on with the celibate lifestyle. I'm looking at this quote and trying to see if it gives me an answer to but it doesn't. The only answer I can come up with is that I'm not attractive, I do nothing for him, I should just give up. So you see why I uppped the anti depressants. I'm sorry it stopped me posting, I just didn't want to post a pile of whines. Now I'm back figured I'd get it all off my chest in one move and then start planning some more cheery posts.

IDeas for posts gratefully recieved, Seamus idea of telling memory strikes me as a good one to start off with... but we'll see. All ideas gratefully recieved... hugs to you all for checking in on me all this time.

boxing day...

2005-12-26T21:35:00.000Z

Back in Victorian times it was considered un-Christian to unwrap presents on Christmas Day. Christmas Day was and still is for many a holy day. Just like the Victorians only allowed their children to play with the Noah;s ark and other religious toys on a Sunday, so they set rules for Christmas Day.

This created a dilemma, when do you give out the presents....

Or another story goes that servants were expected to work on Chrsitmas Day, the big house had to have it's feast, but after they had finished with lunch, most of the staff after having set up everything would go to see the Master of the house and be given their Christmas Box (or bonus) then if home was close go visit the family and take home the Christmas Box.

I'm sure there are other reasons for why in England we call the day after Christmas Boxing Day. I do know that in these modern times Boxing Day for kids of divorced parents ( I was one) is generally the day the other parent gets you. As a kid it's quite fun to have two days to get presents. Spreads it out a bit.

Anyways being English and all, I figured I'd give out some gifts to my blogger friends. I'm not completely sure who reads here. I am fairly sure I have some lurkers... so instead of saying who gets what I offer these three gifts...

First... I wish you all good times with your families and friends for the coming year. Treasure the minutes, let the arguments melt away like snowflakes on wet ground. You never know how long you have with them, waste none of it.

Second... I send healing thoughts and a few well meant nags, for my reasons see gift one. Go get your check ups done, don't skimp on the prevention, your health is your responsibility. Brush those teeth, check your balls and boobies and try to walk at least once a day. While you're at it, check up on that older person you know lives alone. Don't be the neighbour on the news saying well we hadn't seem them around much lately.

Third... I give you the golden rule... something I try to live my life by...

"He should treat all beings as he himself should be treated. The essence of right conduct is not to injure anyone." (JAINISM -
from The Suta-Kritanga, about 550 BCE*)

"Do not do to others what you would not like for yourself." (CONFUCIANISM - from The Analects of Confucius, about 500 BCE)

"I will act towards others exactly as I would act towards myself." (BUDDHISM - from The Siglo-Vada Sutta, about 500 BCE)

"This is the sum of duty: Do nothing to others Which, if done to you, could cause you pain." (HINDUISM - from The Mahabharata, about 150 BCE)

"What you would avoid suffering yourself, seek not to impose on others." (ANCIENT GREECE - Epictetus, the Greek philosopher, about 90 CE*)

"Love your neighbour as yourself." (JUDAISM / CHRISTIANITY - Leviticus 19, in The Torah, about 400 BCE, quoted by Jesus in Matthew 22 and Mark 12, 1st Century CE)

"What is harmful to yourself do not do to your fellow men. That is the whole of the law…" (JUDAISM - from Hillel: The Talmud, about 100 CE)

"None of you truly believes, until he wishes for his brothers what he wishes for himself." (ISLAM - a saying of The Prophet Muhammad, 7th Century CE)

"As you think of yourself, so think of others." (SIKHISM - from Guru Granth Sahib, 1604 CE)

One should be "contented with so much liberty against other men, as he would allow against himself." (GREAT BRITAIN -
Thomas Hobbes, English philosopher, 1588-1679 CE)

"He should not wish for others what he does not wish for himself." (BAHA'I from the writings of Baha'u'llah, about 1870 CE)

"You should always ask yourself what would happen if everyone did what you are doing." (FRANCE - Jean-Paul Sartre, French existentialist philosopher, 1905-80 CE)

"Treat other people as you'd want to be treated in their situation; don't do things you wouldn't want to have done to you."
(British Humanist Association, 1999 CE)

And as Spock might say... have a happy new year and Live long and Prosper...

holiday half-nekkid thursday

2005-12-21T23:08:00.000Z

Wracked my brains and then thought...

HNT Tree!

Have a great holiday, Happy Winter Solstice to all you all, will post the dressed version another day.

holiday meme...

2005-12-18T22:06:00.000Z

Holiday Getting to Know Me!
(Shamelessly stolen from Brighton, who stole it from Kel)
Welcome to the 2005 Holiday Edition of Getting to Know Your Friends!

Here's mine................

1. Egg Nog or Hot Chocolate? Uh what is egg nog, have to go with hot chocolate.

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? Father Christmas leaves his presents while we sleep, they are always wrapped in different paper to our personal pressies.

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? white

4. Do you hang mistletoe? only the artificial stuff, the real stuff is too poisonous

5. When do you put your decorations up? Depends on life, usually start the second week of December and gradually get it all done. Just finished today this year.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? bread sauce home made or bought

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Age 16 telling mum we'd do the lil ones pressies, and we left santa's magic dust all the way up the stairs. Mum was not impressed, we used a whole pot of glitter, she was vacuuming it up for months.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? Truth? You mean that he isn't really married, and that he holidays in Vegas? After I read Raymond Briggs Father Christmas books.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? No, but I always buy a book each for my kids with a Christmas theme and we read it at bedtime. This years look fun.

10. What kind of cookies does Santa get set out for him? Uh cookies? We always leave him a mince pie and a glass of port. Plus an apple and a carrot for Rudolph. I think I have a picture of the kids doing this since Amy was two.

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it, want it, never get it sigh.

12. Can you ice skate? Yes, takes me a while to warm up but yes, better on roller skates.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? My grown up charm bracelet, hubby who was boyfriend then had my baby charm bracelet made into the safety chain of the grown up one.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Making sure everyone has a good time.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Christmas pudding made to my Grandma's recipe.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Full English Cooked Breakfast with Bucks Fizz in the morning.

17. What tops your tree? A beautiful angel I bought in Houston.

18. Which do you prefer Giving or Receiving? Choosing what to give, trying to pick just the right pressie is what I like.

19. What is your favorite Christmas Carol? O Come all ye faithful

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? Ugh yuk, my teeth are cringing at the thought.

Feel free to take the baton and post this on your blog, I think Brighton is as interested as me...

strange, I'm a country

2005-12-12T23:08:00.000Z

But first, and more importantly I have to thank Seven from Blogs Gone Wild and It's a dog's life.... for my pretty new template. How he didn't lose patience and hurl the thing at me I don't know, can you just change the shape of this, can it be a little pinker, no make that a little whiter.

It was worth it though, don't you think? Now back to the country...

You're Thailand!

Calmer and more staunchly independent than almost all those around you,
you have a long history of rising above adversity. Recent adversity has led to
questions about your sexual promiscuity and the threat of disease, but you still manage
to attract a number of tourists and admirers. And despite any setbacks, you can
really cook a good meal whenever it's called for. Good enough to make people
cry.

Take the Country Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid

I do adore Thai food, and as for sexual promiscuity... sex? what's that? Doc said today we could resume "normal" marital relations, uh we did that the night of the op....ROTFL.

is this nekkid enough...

2005-12-07T22:46:00.000Z

I was pondering what to post for HNT. Then it dawned on me, this time last year I was staring my last chemo cycle in the face. I had my last dose two days before Christmas. It's weird in some ways it seems like only yesterday and then I think about it and it seems years away. So much has happened since then.

So here I am when I first had all my hair shaved off.

I don't ever plan on getting this nekkid again!

And this next photo was taken as I had my last chemo. I think I've posted it before, but the nurse with the syringe, is the same nurse who while I was in this time, popped in every day to say hi when she was on duty. I swear she had hidden cameras, cos she managed to "pop" in whenever I had just crossed my ankles and would yell uncross those legs. She also came and talked to me when I refused a blood test. When I apologised for being a wimp she told me off, told me that I was never a wimp far from it. Made me feel so much better. I still love my chemo nurses...

Chemo at Christmas!

Oh, and the Christmas headgear we are both wearing did help, a lot! I recommend it for all chemo patients. Here's to almost a year on from the end of chemo! CHEERS!!!

a little pain is fun, but this is no longer a joke...

2005-11-26T12:09:00.000Z

Sorry about the long time between posts, had a bit of a set back thanks to a UTI, at least they think it's an infection. It could also be a haemotoma, don't you just love what an exact science medicine is. Anyways, feeling like someone is poking red hot needles into your side is not conducive to blogging. Hopefully by Monday they will have this figured out. Onto something completely different...

My Secret Pal (a knitting thing) sent another parcel. Her timing couldn't have been more perfect. A lavendar wheat bag that has joined my wheat bear in providing relief. Then this beautiful Noro Blossom wool, that Amy took one look at and started drooling. Suffice to say it will be turning into a Christmas pressie for her. Oooh some snowman xmas decorations to make with the kids. If I forgot something please blame the drugs I am on. I love this game, it's like Xmas when the postman knocks the door and hands me a parcel. I only hope the person I am spoiling is feeling the same way about my parcels.

So this morning, in an effort to ignore the red hot needles, I swatched for a curly wurly scarf for Amy. Started out with 6mm needles, but that was too stiff, then tried 8mm needles and that was perfect. Trouble is this scarf involves starting with 120 stitches, then increasing so that by the sixth row you have 480 stitches. So I need to get a large circular needle. For anyone interested in a really simple scarf to knit, if you can knit you can make this... go see the Curly Wurly Blog. I'll add it to my blogroll.

This afternoon I'm going to carry on with the sleeve of the cream cardigan. I'm also at the point where I start shaping the heel of the second sock. But may hold off on that till I'm not on these woozy pills.

I have to say knitting has saved my sanity these last three weeks. Not being able to get out normally drives me nuts, but knitting keeps me busy and I'm sorting out my Christmas present buying too.

Anyways that's what's going on, I'm here in spirit, if not in text...

half nekkid thursday....

2005-11-17T00:01:00.000Z

This kind of breaks the rules for Half-Nekkid Thursday, I didn't take the pic, but I'm in a hospital gown so definitely half-nekkid!

What is it with hospital gowns? Surely in this modern age we could come up with something that doesn't gape at the back.

Close up of the horror, although that little black button was good.

Ok, so most would say the real horror was having half your insides removed, but from my viewpoint this was the worst bit, I could see this bit.

This is what I made while I was in hospital, finished this week. My FIRST sock!

Many thanks to my secret pal for setting me on the road to sock making, it's so comfy! Now I just need to knit the second one...

thank the gods I listen to my instincts...

2005-11-14T13:29:00.000Z

Hi, I'm back, a little lighter,

I feel great, bit sore in places but not too bad. My stepmum has come to stay to look after me and is making sure I don't overdo it. I am supposed to be napping so shhhh... nobody tell!

The op went well, the night after was hell, according to hubby and my nurses. I wouldn't know all I have is a very blurred recollection of events, morphine is a wonderful thing. I have a dream like memory of my favourite nurse showing up, still not sure she really did, think she did. I also recall pressing my little button lots.

No Trish of Woodnotwood, not that button silly, the one dosing me with morphine. Some people just love to dangle in the gutter :-)

It seems yet again my instincts were spot on, Surgeon came to see me on Wednesday and explained that she had taken out a bit extra as my ovaries hadn't looked very nice and she just wanted to be safe. Means I got my tummy tuck! But also two days of panic... I knew exactly what she was thinking but neither of us would openly say it.

Seems my ovaries were cystic, swollen, and just plain odd. Poor pathologist though, surgeon forgot to tell him that a month ago she had microwaved the inside of my uterus, so he rang her in a panic because he thought I'd been BBQing my insides. ROTFL

Results came back ALL CLEAR! Phew, but ovaries were definitely heading down a bad route and churning out heaps more oestrogen than they should have been, which means the tamoxifen wouldn't have been working. So all in all a good thing this was done, and while I am supposed to be feeling weepy, I feel over the moon.

Although I will admit to bursting into tears at stupid stuff on TV but that will pass.

Gotta go I hear NanaCarol coming... meeeeeep!

PS hugs and thanks to everyone who dropped by!

hospital here I come...

2005-11-07T22:57:00.000Z

You remember a while back I told you all I had to go in for an op. Well tomorrow is the day, Bargain Basement Clear Out... how much can I get for a uterus, cervix and two ovaries on ebay? Slightly pickled, not that old?

I go in at 11am GMT tomorrow, op will be sometime that afternoon, should get home on Saturday if all goes well. I am going to miss Amy's first concert at school, she is singing with the Choral Society at the Memorial Concert. One of the teacher's is going to see if they can record it for me. She is so excited and I am miffed I can't see it. But if I delay the op I might not be well over Christmas, so I made a choice.

Magz of Maggiezfarm got run over by one of her horses, and needs mothering. Go hound her to look after herself for me, and use some of the blogger magic to heal her.

See you all in about a week...

angi set a meme...

2005-11-05T08:15:00.000Z

Remember Remember the fifth of November, gunpowder , treason and plot... fellow Brits have fun burning the guy tonight.

Weird no comments to the last post yet, did I scare folks or bore them? Oh well Angi had this on her blog and asked us to do our own..

1. smoked a cigar - no
2. crashed a friend’s car - no
3. stolen a car - no
4. been in love - yes
5. been dumped - yes
6. dumped someone - yes
7. taken shots of alcohol - no
8. been fired – yes
9. been in a fist fight - no
10. snuck out of a/your house - no
11. had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back- maybe
12. been arrested - no
13. made out with a stranger - no
14. gone on a blind date - no
15. lied to a friend - no
16. had a crush on a teacher- no
18. seen someone die - no
19. been on a plane - yes
20. thrown up in a bar - no
22. miss someone right now - yes
23. laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by - yes
24. made a snow angel - yes
25. played dress up - yes
26. cheated while playing a game - no
27. been lonely - yes
28. fallen asleep at work/school - no
29. used a fake id - no
30. felt an earthquake - yes
31. touched a snake - yes
32. run a red light - uh probably
33. had detention - yes
34. been in a car accident - no
35. hated the way you look - yes - for a short while
37. been lost - yes
38. been to the opposite side of the country - yes
39. felt like dying - yes
40. cried yourself to sleep - yes
41. played cops and robbers - no
42. karaoke - no
43. done something you told yourself you wouldn’t - yes
44. laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose- yes
45. caught a snowflake on your tongue - yes
46. kissed in the rain - no
47. sang in the shower - yes
48. made love in a park - no
49. had a dream that you married someone - yes
50. glued your hand to something - no
51. got your tongue stuck to a flag pole - no
52. worn the opposite sex’s clothes - yes
53. Been a cheerleader – no
54. sat on a roof top - no
55. talked on the phone all night - no
56. ever too scared to watch scary movies alone – yes (you can even take out the ‘alone’) Same as Angi here..
57. played chicken fight - no idea what this is
58. been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on - no
59. been told you’re hot by a complete stranger - yes
60. broken a bone - no
61. had a 3-some? - no
62. dipped snuff? - no
63. lived overseas - yes
64. Ever passed out/fainted? - yes
65. blown bubbles in the wintertime - yes

Now that I’ve given my answers, lets see yours. Oh, and if you want explanations/stories behind answers, just ask.

more of Amy's story...

2005-11-02T22:28:00.000Z

so here's where we had got to so far...

So there I was with this drunken mood swinging child… and what was she like in the morning, you do NOT want to be in close confines ever with a six year old with a hangover. Actually make that a six year old with PMS and a hangover. Thankfully the hospital teachers and the nurses decided for my sanity I should go out for two hours that day. I think they were worried the cancer might be the least of their worries.

That was on the 5th of June, if you want to go read it.

We got sent home that afternoon, after they were sure she wasn't going to keel over with heart failure, or some other major "side" effect. I beleive death can be listed as a side effect... strikes me as a little more than a side one.

So we go home, info on how to cope, piles of antisick tablets to give and a warning. If her temp goes over 38C call us and then come straight in. We look wide eyed and they explain again about the risk of infection. When you watch people on TV or in films have chemo, you often see them throwing up. They look ill and manky within minutes. These days it's rarely like that, most of the time Amy was on chemo she looked very well. Oh she was tired and not quite herself but for the first few weeks she was still our Amy. But what you don't see or hear much about is this. Cancer doesn't kill the majority of cancer patients, the treatment does. It destroys fast growing cells.

Let's see, that's the hair growing in the follicles, the lining of your mouth and stomach and nasal passages. All the lining of your intestine from one end to the other. Most important of all, the marrow in your bone. The drugs Amy was on only suppressed her bone marrow, but this would still affect her ability to make blood. Your body is always making stem cells to release that will turn into whatever blood cells you need. We have three main kinds, red that carry oxygen, platelets that stop you bleeding, both of these can be topped up with donations from blood donors. Thankfully in the UK there is a good free blood supply.

Then there are the white blood cells, the ones that provide all the defences against infections. It's scary how these can plummet. I just found an email I sent out at this time, it covers a few weeks, I thought of editing it but decided I like the feel of it. It gives a real sense of how I felt those days.

So we went home knowing that if we spiked a temp...(gotta learn the lingo) that is Amy's temp went above 38 degrees we had to head into the hospital. The first week went okay, we went to clinic on the Thursday she had her single chemo and we thought this is going to be simple enough.... HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!! Hey we were new to this
what did we know... now we too watch the newbies looking relieved when they get to go home and wave them off... adding their names to our list of new friends.. as we know we will be seeing them soon.

So on the Saturday Amy wanted to go to a Roller Disco party, she wasn't allowed to skate but had a lovely time. Mum also discovered that old skills never die... and impressed Amy and friends with her rollerskating prowess.... mucho street cred points for Amy as her Mum could skate fast, skate backwards and do the teapot. Mum couldn't walk very well the next day mind.

That evening we spiked and stupidly headed straight in together. We had been planning a night out with a babysitter booked. Still A&E could be romantic I guess... if they got some candles and we got the Balti house to deliver. This was at 6pm they finally got us settled into a bed at 12.30pm. Considering this kid had fallen asleep on the sofa at 6pm feeling poorly it seemed a bit daft to keep her awake till after midnight. Finally went home Sunday Afternoon on condition we attended Day Clinic on Monday. Poor George Half Term instead of being a week away at Centerparcs had turned into a pass the parcel round friends. We were at clinic all day Mon and Tue, Thur most of the day aiming to return on Mon. As it was Amy looked dreadful on the Friday and went in at night with Dad... was sent home..... Sat went in with Dad....... sent home after blood cultures taken... Sunday Hospital calls us and in we go. Stayed for eight nights. Both lines attached to drips, chemo and blood given on Friday.... I would have given the blood when we arrived personally but then I'm only a parent! We did however discover that you can be let off lines for trips out to town in a wheelchair... whoopee... Daddy's credit card took a beating. And Mummy learnt that sometimes Mummy's are right... Also if Amy won't take medicine
find the nice nurse Sean and get him to offer to give it via bottom... Funnily enough her mouth opens instantly. She even believes we can give fluids that way!

That week was a nightmare as Amy turned into something out of the Exorcist apparently this is normal Post Chemo Syndrome.. just imagine a 6 year old with major PMS.... and times that by ten. We left hospital on the Monday a rough stay as Amy was not very well for most of it. We were back for the most of the day on Thursday clinic GOOD NEWS... op date 19th March three weeks earlier than first planned... More GOOD NEWS... Dr had to hunt to feel tumour it has shrunk faster than expected.... MORE GOOD NEWS ...... no sign of tumour in George!!! . Then CT scan on Friday.... Amy had to drink a litre in an hour... cost me a Diva Doll £30.... but worth it.....

A weekend at home!!!!! YAYYYYYYYY We had Indian takeaway with the kids... Amy likes Chicken Tikka! Food is a pain... she needs to eat all the time to keep the weight up... but doesn't like the taste of most things....

Back in on Monday with Dad at lunchtime for a flying visit... line needed a flush incompetent nurse at CT scan.... Back on Thursday, meet Surgeon he's lovely makes Amy laugh, Consultant is positively skipping about room over CT scan... still bits on lungs but those spies will be dealt with either by chemo or we'll zap em with the radiotherapy at the end. So now I've spent another weekend at home with my girl, taken my boy out to see a film and spent hours packing. We've even put up the new cupboards in our bathroom and I sorted out a wardrobe.... life almost seemed normal this weekend.

I'll let you all digest that episode... and try to think of a nekkid pic for tomorrow.. hmmm

2005-10-20T22:09:00.000Z

Half-nekkid Thursday.... just in time... Thought this went well with previous post.

the biggest reason I don't want to die...

2005-10-16T22:55:00.000Z

Is this little person, well he's not so little these days. But underneath the cool dude, nine year old bravado he is a vunerable little soul. This little boy has been through so much and yet still he keeps his sense of humour and his love of life. When he was four Amy was diagnosed with cancer, bless him he just about held it together. How I am never quite sure, but we talked when we could, and we hugged and even though he declares in a very loud voice that he doesn't love his sister. I know the truth.

I strongly believe that no matter what traumas the sick child goes through the siblings get the rougher deal. Not only are they having to deal with the idea that their sister might die, and you do have to let them know it's a possibility, if you don't some dear little soul at school or some stupid gossiping parent will make sure they know. So there they are dealing with that nice little nugget of joy and then the sick sibling heads into hospital taking Mum and Dad with them. When Dad isn't at the hospital, he's at work, or rushing you to or from whoevers house you;'ve had to visit.

Each day you get taken to school, maybe by mum with sister, but you're never sure who will be picking you up, and when you're four that's kind of important. George hated to visit the hospital, the car journey made him sick and after a day at school all he really wanted to do was go home and watch TV. Unfortunately for the first three months Amy was ill he didn't do that. Whenever we were in hospital he had to go to someone elses house. think how stressful it is to be a guest as an adult, then put yourself in a four year old's shoes. Not your toys, not your TV so you can't pick the program, not your choice of dinner and not your mum. The people who took him home were angels, but it can't replace home and your own mum.

Which is why it's hard to comprehend how at eight years old this little lad didn't fall completely apart when his mum got ill. We did have a few shaky weeks, but I just kept him off school for a few afternoons and spent time with him. We drew pictures, we talked and finally he came out with it. "I'm worried you're going to die mum." What could I say? I said the only thing I could at that point "Well I'm not planning on it just yet, and the Doctors say if I'm good take all my medicines and do as they tell me I should be ok." I then added "So will you help me when
I get scared and fed up. Will you nag me to take my medicine?" He did just that and more.

One week they were on school holiday and for some reason I needed a blood count done. He came with me, held my hand and kept me calm as my nurse mined for a vein. Oh yes she was digging in and out of my arm, that vein was not giving up blood. I got a big hug from the pair of them, and hot chocolate after. On the way home, trauma over, George was all about the gore of it all. So cool, and "you were so brave mum." When we got home he made me a cup of tea, and spent the rest of the day nearby. I have one very empathetic little boy.

The only times I cried during my treatment, were during chemo when they couldn't get the darn vein. Or when I would think about my kids growing up with no mum. That is the most scary thing of all, made all the more scarier when you see your hubby cracking up and lsoing it with them. Stressed by all that is going on he began to foxus on stuff he felt he could control. Homework, bedtime and bloody teethbrushing. I have never seen someone lose it over teethbrushing but he did. I would lie in bed those nights and sob, wondering would he be like this with them if I died, would he be worse?

Jinx, me dear pup, was begged for on two counts, I needed the company. George needed someone to whisper secrets to and get hugs off when no-one else got it. I leave you with some photos that I think show it best...

My two boys... ahhhh.

Yes that is the new uniform rolling around on the floor...

Why I don't have to worry about George so much these days... thanks Jinx.

half nekkid thursday....

2005-10-13T09:45:00.000Z

the kids think I am nuts...

You know, when they were little I wanted to eat their toes. Not anymore, when did they get feet almost as big as mine?

But they love me enough to humour me!

good things come in small packages...

2005-10-07T20:44:00.000Z

Thank you, thank you, thank you, my Secret Pal. Was like Christmas, and I'm so sorry it took me soooo long to say thank you.

Finally I managed to upload this photo. The chocolate has been demolished.. it was delicious. The bulbs are waiting for me to sort out a good container and get some bulb fibre. I tried to cast on the sock yarn, but couldn't find my stitch markers, found them the other day. So as soon as I've finished the cream jumper I'll try again.

Life here is as ever busy busy. Amy and George started a new school this year and we're still getting used to a very different way of doing everything. More homework, or prep as they now call it, more after school activities and so much MORE stuff to get to and from school.

See how cute they are....

I guess the days of cute have passed!

Finally got one shot that looks right and yes those are all the bags they take.

Then mixed in with all that has been numerous hospital trips, and then I was meant to be going to Atlanta, but something has come up, so it's postponed, sigh. I was so looking forward to it too. It's nice to go somewhere where you are treated like an adult, equal and appreciated.

So my possible big op date is now set for 25th October. Kids are mortified because mummy won't be able to man the Halloween "Grotto" we always set up. But I plan on decorating the house before I go in.... and this year we're really going for it. Hubby is going to have a fit. You know what... I don't care. This hubby is the same one who this morning said "Tell the Surgeon that you can't make the 8th or 15th Nov cos I have stuff on at work." I give up...

Anyways, my plan is to try and blog more, but I am also trying to get Michael's jumper finished and to him before the snowboarding season begins. I really should do the next part in the Amy story...

an odd surprise...

2005-09-25T22:34:00.000Z

Well I’m back, an interesting trip. Jinx survived his operation and didn’t seem too fussed at the loss of his bits. He sulked with me for only a little while and then just wandered about getting cabin fever.

My operation was another matter, went in expecting my ovaries to be removed by keyhole surgery. If they couldn’t get them by keyhole then I’d be having a full hysterectomy. How did the day go? Well an early start asked to be in by 7.30am, fitted with delightful surgical stockings to prevent blood clots, and string underwear, I’m too sexy for this bed too sexy for this op… sorry couldn’t help the singing.

Surgeon arrives, she is a lovely woman and I like her most because she treats me as if I have a brain. We went through the risks and such and I signed on the dotted line. See you later she said and off she went to begin operation one. I was second on list, my turn to roll down the corridor came, they always laugh that I never lay flat on the bed when being wheeled away. The nurse who stayed with me for the anaesthetic was a sweetie, he held my hand the whole time, and my surgeon threatened to hit my anaesthetist when I moaned that the canula hurt. I was given something that made me feel like the whole room was spinning, Michael’s famous margaritas had nothing on this stuff, so glad I had a hand to hold. Then came the cold stuff and ….

So I come round in the recovery room and the first thing I remember saying, never sure if you’ve said a ream of stupid stuff earlier, but the first thing I remember is asking “Keyhole?” this old guy in recovery patted me on the shoulder said welcome back and yes it was keyhole. I relaxed, it was all over no need for a hysterectomy. Continued passing in and out, vaguely recall chatting with the recovery staff no idea what about. Finally woke up one time and I was back in my room.

About an hour later I came round enough that I talked to the nurse and she let slip that I still had an ovary. Confused would be an understatement, she said something about it being stuck, but all would be revealed when my surgeon came to talk to me later. Another hour passed and again when I asked something I got the reply, “Oh no you still have both ovaries, the surgeon found something and had to stop.” Ok, now those of you who have read this no this is not the right thing to say to someone with my history. Yep you guessed it major panic, mind working nineteen to the dozen, all sorts of scenarios played out in my head. Not to mention checking my stomach and figuring that despite still having ovaries I now also had three keyholes in my body.

So to put you all out of your misery, unlike me, when the surgeon showed up at 5pm, hell they have long working days. She walked in and just smiled at me, “You were right!” she said “I admit it, but you gave me such a surprise. You have endometriosis.” The letter that arrived yesterday from her explained better, probably cos I’m properly awake now. It seems that all my life I have had this condition, but the tamoxifen I take to prevent breast cancer coming back makes it worse. When she peeped in she found a mess, one ovary was welded to my bowel and uterus. She had to spend all her time trying to release it, then cleaned up what she could. It was too much of a mess to do the big op, she needs to plan it and talk to me. Oh she also had someone driving across the county with a different machine to perform one part of the op. I’m guessing the anaesthetist was scrabbling around to keep me under.

So I am now “looking forward” to another op. This one will be major surgery, six weeks bed rest and very very light duties. Three months being very careful and six months before she will allow me to lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. Six weeks of no driving is the thing I worry about most. I begin to wonder if this will all ever be over. It just seems to go on and on…

So that’s the medical stuff, am sore but well, walked to local shops today. Now for something more pleasant. Knitting news…

I finished the back of the jumper for Michael, am close to completing one front of my own cardigan and am pondering ripping back this scarf and trying again as it’s curling up and as the yarn is man made I’m guessing I can’t block it into submission. Pictures below…

Apologies for focus, but my current projects on the go...

Back of Michael's jumper...

One front, almost complete for my blue aran...

A pink scarf...

My plain knit... see pattern pic...

The pattern... I love this cardigan.

Th.. th.. that's all folks... more tomorrow...

my name is noonie and I am an addict...

2005-09-18T20:49:00.000Z

I've rediscovered knitting and the bug has got me. You'll see how bad when you read this questionnaire. I signed up for a secret pal for knitters and need to post this so my secret pal can figure out how to spoil me. Meanwhile I am trying to figure out how to spoil my secret pal. As I love choosing presents for anyone this is a fun game and past time for me.

On Tuesday I go into hospital for my operation, bye bye ovaries and possibly uterus. I'll be in overnight if they manage to do all this by keyhole, if not I won't be back for a few days. Unless they have finally got internet access at the hospital. Fortunately knitting is both portable and light, it also comes in various levels of difficulty. So I'm packing up my pink scarf, plain cardi and will have the aran brought in if I'm stuck in longer and not on powerful drugs.

So here goes... 29 questions answered for my secret pal... hope this helps.

1. Are you a yarn snob (do you prefer higher quality and/or natural fibers)? Do you avoid Red Heart and Lion Brand? Or is it all the same to you?

I like how a fibre feels, but will knit with some of the man made fun fibres just to see what happens. Having great fun knitting with Tufty right now. Knitted some mobile phone covers using Boa.

2. Do you spin? Crochet?

Nope, want to learn to crochet but can’t figure it out using books and magazines.

3. Do you have any allergies? (smoke, pets, fibers, perfume, etc.)

Wool makes me itch, but I am knitting with a Debbie Bliss fibre that seems unitchy.. cashmerino aran.

4. How long have you been knitting?

Since I was seven, took a break when I had kids as it was too difficult to concentrate on patterns and babies at the same time.

5. Do you have an Amazon or other online wish list?

Nope

6. What's your favorite scent? (for candles, bath products etc.)

Lavendar and roses.

7. Do you have a sweet tooth?

Is the sky blue? Chocolate is my weakness, but I’m meant to be shifting some weight.

8. What other crafts or Do-It-Yourself things do you like to do?

Glass painting, card making, want to try scrapbooking and am trying to sort my garden.

9. What kind of music do you like? Can your computer/stereo play MP3s? (if your buddy wants to make you a CD)

I use itunes, I like all sorts of music and hate lots of others.

10. What's your favorite color? Or--do you have a color family/season/palette you prefer? Any colors you just can't stand?

My favourite colour is yellow, but I like to wear blues and pinks. I’m not very keen on green.

11. What is your family situation? Do you have any pets?
Married, two children 9 and 11 and a puppy ( eight months)

12. What are your life dreams? (really stretching it here, I know)

To live to old age.

13. What is/are your favorite yarn/s to knit with?

At the moment Debbie Bliss Cashmerino Aran, I like aran wools as they knit fast. I love cotton yarns.

14. What fibers do you absolutely *not* like?

Itchy wools

15. What is/are your current knitting obsession/s?

Aran knitting

16. What is/are your favorite item/s to knit?

Don’t really have any.

17. What are you knitting right now?

Uhm, blue aran cardigan for me, cream aran cardigan for Michael, long pink scarf either for me or charity, plain blue cardigan for me (car knitting), and a few other things hovering.

18. What do you think about ponchos?

Love the look, all the ones I’ve tried on looked silly.

19. Do you prefer straight or circular needles?

Never used circular needles, on my list of things to learn.

20. Bamboo, aluminum, plastic?

Am using bamboo with the cashmerino as it is sooo slippy, aluminium normally.

21. Are you a sock knitter?

No, but I want to learn.

22. How did you learn to knit?

My childminder taught me to keep me out of mischief and I learnt from just about anyone who would help me.

23. How old is your oldest UFO?

Uh let us not go there, I believe I have a tapestry that I last worked on in 1992.

24. What is your favorite animated character or a favorite animal/bird?

Animated character… Tigger. Animal… Black Lab, Bird… goldfinch.

25. What is your favorite holiday?

Visiting Michael on my own to relax, Cornwall with the kids to get back to nature.

26. Is there anything that you collect?

Science fiction books.

27. What knitting magazine subscriptions do you have?

None, but I buy Simply Knitting each month.

28. Any books out there you are dying to get your hands on?

The Yarn Harlot’s latest book.

29. Any patterns you have been coveting, but haven't bought for one reason or another??

Nope, none that I know of.

There you go, I'll post some pics of my latest knitting some day... oh and cross everything for Jinx, he's getting his bits lopped off tomorrow. Oohh did you just hear all those legs crossing in sympathy? ROTFL.

Is happiness too much to ask for...

2005-09-09T12:56:00.000Z

Meep, I just looked back over my blog, I’ve been soooo bad. I apologise for not posting more often. But suffice to say I was having fun, it’s nice to get away from the puter and live life. I should do it more often, but life just doesn’t seem to work like that.

So Atlanta was so much fun and a real eye opener. Hubby called us… no times, despite having two numbers to contact us on, one being a mobile. We had a couple of emails but again nothing spontaneous… ooh I tell a lie, one spontaneous email asking where we were. It gets worse…

We got back on the Sunday morning and were leaving for Cornwall on the Thursday morning. I had, reasonably I thought, assumed that he would take the Mon, Tue and Wed off work. After all he’d had a month to get organised, and is two weeks off with your family too much to ask for. Bear in mind in UK you get a lot more holidays. So we’re driving home from airport and I ask “You off this week?” “Uh no, work tomorrow and Tue then I’m going golfing with a friend on Wed.” Stunned silence on passenger side of the car…

“Sorry? Did you say you’re going golfing? You’ve not seen the kids in a month and you decided going golfing was a good idea?” embarrassed silence from drivers side, fuming atmosphere from passengers. But it gets better…

That afternoon the grandparents, his parents, come rushing round to see the kids. I start discussing my upcoming op with them and childcare arrangements, they are great at helping out, so long as you can give them some warning. Grandma asks how long I’ll be in and how long to recover. I tell her… one night and two weeks resting if they get them by keyhole, if not four nights minimum in and three months recovery resting. Hubby pipes up, “Uh what does resting mean exactly?” Grandma and I both reply at the same time “Not doing very much, bed rest.” “Oh,” he says “Only my golfing holiday in Spain is that weekend.” Well Grandma looked at me and I looked at her, we looked at him. Steam poured from my ears as I asked “Uh so when you moved my op to a week later because you had something important on at work, you didn’t think about the holiday?” (That is yet another nail in his coffin by the way.)

Monday night, he gets home from work and announces that he won’t be home till very late the next night as he has to go out for dinner. So he’s racking up the points here, can he make it any worse…

Tuesday night when he calls he says “Did I tell you about the course in France, week long, Oct 2nd.” I’ll wait while you check your calendars and do the maths. Yep it clashes with my bed rest. Good eh?

I have to say all of this, and some stuff I’ve been able to process through writing about Amy’s illness is making me see that things here are very wrong. Before you ask, I have tried to talk about stuff, he walks away, he denies it and one time he said he’d try to do better. I have breast cancer, it doesn’t go away. Right now I have no evidence of disease, next week I could relapse, maybe in a couple of years, hopefully never. I feel that means I should expect the best of life and try to make it happen. Staying in Atlanta I realised what was missing, not the sex life, din’t get none of that out there (just like home), not the money. It’s knowing that someone is backing you up, ready to give you a hug when you need it and someone to talk to. That month I wasn’t lonely, I got on so much better with my daughter. I got to do stuff with my friend, we built a deck, we washed the dogs, walked the dogs, took the kids out. Heck we even did grocery shopping together. Oh and the cedar lined closet we made… sooo cool. Brighton would have been proud of us. I watched less TV, I was rarely on here, as you may have noticed.

If the kids hadn’t been missing their Dad I’d have been working out how to stay. So anyways that’s the thinking I need to do. In other news both children started a new school this week. It’s all very exciting and expensive. But the place is beautiful, the teachers seem to be friendly and both kids are loving it. Can’t be bad for two days in. So I’m trying to be there for them, which means picking them up, treats, and time to talk.

Next post… my new addiction…

Holiday spot quiz…

2005-08-27T21:09:00.000Z

So you’re on holiday and you go visit this place that is really busy. Parking is a nightmare, you’re driving round the car park and your two children are beginning to turn an interesting shade of green. Your wife points this out and sensibly you suggest they get out and wait nearby while you park.

They do this… what do you do?

a. Park the car and then wander over to where you saw them last and follow the people
b. Park the car then walk off in the completely opposite direction, wander around the town and get something to eat.
c. Park the car get out a book and read.

Meanwhile bear in mind your wife and kids, are also waiting to have lunch.

I am gradually coming to some decisions about my life. Difficult to blog about here, but I’ll let you all in on it soon.

Meanwhile I am actually progressing with my knitting. Bear in mind I bought the pattern and wool for this pattern just after I was diagnosed last year. The plan being to knit the thing while I was recovering. Only I never got round to it, as it was complex and I hadn’t reckoned on the affect chemo would have on my concentration.

But look, I’ve almost finished the back, the rest should be much simpler as it is two fronts and two sleeves. I also want to make a start on a simple plain cardigan and when Michael saw this, he requested something from the same pattern book. So now I’ve got three items to be getting on with.

Success! Ok nobody peer at this closely I have made a few mistakes, but as I've not knitted Aran since I had Amy and she will be 11 on Wed. I'm claiming it makes it look handmade.

Cornwall is as beautiful as ever, although I've known it to have better weather. We aren't freezing to death. Will try to sort out some photos for you all.

kids deserve respect too...

2005-08-11T05:30:00.001Z

Today has been a long and tiring day for us all. I got the kids up at 7am, as we had to leave for Washington by 9am.

The kids were great on the flight, brilliant at lunch in a very posh restaurant and suffered walking around Washington We visited some of the museums, enjoyed the Aerospace one. Although it was so hot I enjoyed anything with air conditioning and seats. Claimed a wheelchair at the aerospace. My stamina failed me.

Throughout all this Amy and George barely complained, the odd I'm tired, I'm hungry but for them barely anything. I think I whinged more. I was so proud of them, they were brilliant on the flight home, despite us having two crying kids in front of us. George spent most of the flight trying to keep the baby smiling.

We drive home and Michael bribes them to be quiet.. then we get in and it's bedtime, only they are wound up from the day, it's midnight they are over tired so they fight it. As all good kids do, the adults are all sat around winding down and they can't quite figure out why they can't do this. Well those of us in the know know that it just isn't going to happen if they stay in the thick of things.

So I persevere, off to bed, jamas, teeth, now.. 5... 4... 3.... 2... 1... And of course we get all the usual tests, he's talking, she hit me.... parents out there will know. Throughout all this my Atlantan friend is issuing low grade digs and jibes about their behaviour. This has been going on the whole trip whenever he is around them. The final straw is when I point out that it is midnight, these kids have been on the go since 7am and that they are over tired. He declares, what are all the adults... Uh excuse me... you're 36 they are 8 and 10. Then he starts muttering about the kids he knows are bad kids... I'm about ready to throw the iron lampstand at him so I had to walk away.

But it reminded me that I wanted to blog about this. What is going on in the world? My kids are very well behaved, I have had compliments from numerous complete strangers, yeah they have days when they are ratty. But what is it with people who have no kids... they either think you should be beating your child with a stick, or they are frowning at you for smacking them. You can't win. The poor kids can't win either.

Where I live we now have Anti Social Behaviour Orders... these are crappy little laws that allow single folks and such to pick on kids legally. Teenagers in our area are not allowed to congregate near the local shops in groups of more than two after 6pm. No-one has built a youth centre, or arranged any other places for them to meet. So we just assume that all the teenagers in our area who want to meet in groups, and let's be honest, that is normal teen behaviour to hang out with your mates... No-one has paid for a youth worker to come talk to the kids and explain how they could appear less scary to those not used to them. No instead our taxes are being spent on ASBO's being dropped on kids who just want to meet up with friends...

When I was a teenager I used to get so fed up with being polite and holding open doors for older people... Not because I disliked or didn't want to do it, but because they rarely said thank you. When anyone holds a door for me I say thank you, whatever age they are.

I'm ranting here, it's time we stuck up for our youth. I did just that today, I stuck up for my kids. Their behaviour was exemplary today, they did not deserve the jibes that were being given. They were not completely out of ear shot. My kids deserved praise today and I made sure they got it. Now when you see a kid doing something stupid or bad by all means say something, that is what community is about. But then don't forget when you see a kid doing something good please tell them that you saw them and how good it made you feel. Maybe we can get our kids back, because if we don't praise them we will lose them...

welcome to Hotlanta...

2005-08-01T21:29:00.000Z

Well we're here and I have been taking my new job as blood donor to the local mosquito population very seriously. I think at the last count I had 42 bites, all swelling up and turning yummy. They are now finally drying up, thanks to hydrocortisone, benadryl and a homeopathic remedy. I swear it was the latter that finally cracked it. I looked like a victim of bubonic plague, when I have shorts on people catch sight of my legs and then discreetly try to move away from me.

The kids seem happy and settled, they like their room, they love the animals... two dogs and two cats, and they love Michael. The cats have now moved into the top of Michael's closet and venture out only at night when the kids are asleep, if only I could do that too. We had another tiny dog to stay for a few days and she was loved to the point of exhaustiona nd has now gone home to rest up ready for her next visit.

Michael is spoiling the kids rotten, but what the hell, they deserve it after the last four years. He is also learning plenty about taking care of kids... and that even if they go to bed late they still get up at the crack of dawn, well at least George does.

I cooked Indian food on Saturday for a crowd of people and they all loved it. Which was a relief. Spent today taking the kids to Fernbank Natural History Museum, which was wonderful. Well laid out, plenty of buttons to push, any parent reading will understand the importance of this comment, and a good visiting exhibition called Grossology. All about farts, sick, burps and pooh. What more could a kid ask for... how about a shop selling stretchy body parts and joke pooh?

Next week we get to go to Washington and watch Michael get sworn in in front of President Bush... I need to figure out a smart outfit, I packed for holiday not for grand occasions. Still trying to decide if I'll be mortified or impressed when George yells out "Is it nearly over yet I'm bored?" in the middle of Bush's speech. Note I said when not if.

Anyways that's all we've done so far... I must call Trish and Owen and sort out meeting up. Sorry about the blogging delay, life got chaotic, but in a nice way. I will say this, since I have been here I've not felt depressed or down, or pondered dying early. Do I have to go home?

blogger magic needed...

2005-07-05T07:56:00.000Z

Post UPDATED scroll down...

Folks,

I am a member of an online club and one of our members just posted this. I know you all are very good at sending out the magic in it's various forms.. thoughts, prayers etc...

My friends,

My 6 year old son, CJ fell 30 feet onto pavement today
striking his head. More information I am not currently
able to divulge. Currently he is listed as in
critical condition at Yale University Hospital in New Haven, CT in the Pediatric ICU. CJ underwent surgury this
morning to remove part of his skull to allieviate
pressure on his brain. He is still unconscious but we
are hopeful he will pull through.

My friends, this is a most desperate time
for us and I hope everyone will spare a thought or
prayer for my little boy who means so very much to us.

I am, therefore announcing my LOA.

All we can do is wait, and hope.

Stephenie

Thanks
Noonie

This was posted last night..

Hi everyone,

I've returned, my son is out of the major danger zone and I'm home tonight caring for our daughter so I thought I'd check in.

CJ is doing much better, he's had most of the tubes removed today and soon he will move from ICU to a regular room then we can discuss recovery.

Thanks for your concern,
Stephenie

Thank you blogger magic ... hugs to all.

he grew and he grew...

2005-06-26T21:46:00.000Z

So Seamus has been nagging, I needed something to post and as I'm suffering sunburn. This was supposed to be simple... nothing is simple.. I forgot about coding. Mussem Fussem.. and Michael, I know I should have put suncream on, I'm in the UK I didn't think it was that bad.

So here is my baby... now 22 weeks, but I included some pics for comparison.

Jinx in his crate at nine weeks.

Crate at ten weeks.

Mum this crate is getting crowded!

More photos on my photo blog...

Oh and this one...

For those who were worrying about her... Amy!

Hope you all had a good weekend, I'm going to go lay down and carry on doing my impression of a cooked lobster...

summer solstice...

2005-06-21T15:24:00.000Z

It's time to dance naked in the garden, Midsummer's Eve. The longest day of the year, a time to enjoy the sunshine that brings life to this planet. Such a fine line between it bringing life or not. The Earth is in exactly the right place that we do not freeze nor do we shrivel up and burn. Every living thing on this planet depends upon it's energy giving rays.

Yet, it could also be the key to our destruction if we don't sort out the greehouse gases. So my hope for this Midsummer Eve is that the World Leaders will finally see sense and work together to save the planet. It might not happen in our lifetime, but look at our children, what about our children's children. What if they suddenly discover a way to keep us all a live a lot longer? Wouldn't it be a real shame not to be able to enjoy that. " Well we can keep you alive another two hundred years, but as the World was too busy fighting each other we didn't fix the environment and never had time to figure out how to fly away from here. Sorry but you'll not get to enjoy it."

So this evening when I light candles with my kids, I will hope for Gaia to work her magic on the World Leaders. Unfortunately I think most of them are too out of touch with the real world for Gaia to ever get through.

Here's to you all, may you have long peaceful lives, much happiness and good luck for the next year. Oh and dancing naked in the garden? I think I better not, don't want to scare off the neighbours.

altogether now... breathe...

2005-06-10T22:02:00.000Z

I've been hinting for the last few weeks that something was not right in my world. It started out like this. I am worried about the breast cancer coming back, mine was an oestrogen(estrogen) fed tumour and so having ovaries means I'm still churning out the old poison. I have finished making babies, especially as letting my body flood itself with oestrogen to make one just seems plain daft. SO I go to see the OG/GYN and ask her to "take the lot out".

Now she doesn't like this idea, I'm only 37, ovaries keep your bones strong and help prevent heart disease. But she can't just take the uterus cos then they won't know what the ovaries are doing.. can I examine you? Me steels self, remembers Brighton's blogs about all those pap screenings and says sure. When was your last screening uhm uh, ok we'll do one of those.

So... fill in here.... she's scraping off her findings into a pot and says hmmmm. I say what? That shouldn't be like that but we'll send it off so no need to worry. Already I'm worrying. So off she goes back to the other room leaving me to get dressed again. When I hear uh could you get back on the bed again I think I'll take a biopsy.

Me almost passes out in panic but manages to croak in as normal a voice as possible, sure. Well let me tell you you thought that clunk click thingy they use was bad, wait till they pry open your cervix with a pair of tongs. It's like labour without the build up. Then she goes in and snip, CRAMPS. Hmm odd .. she mumbles. I'm too pale and panicky to say anything. The nurse makes me lie still, I think she thought I might faint.

Five more minutes and I'm back sitting at her desk with her. So I've ordered blood tests, full blood count, hormone levels and tumour markers. At this point my stomach has leaped into my mouth and I'm not saying a lot just getting that dazed rabbit i the headlights look about me. I'm also sending you for an ultrasound scan to check your ovaries and uterus for cysts and polyps. In my condition these are considered precursors to nasty things.

I don't quite know how I did the thanks very much, hand shake and walk to waiting area. But there the nurse sheperded me to the places I needed to go to make appointments then called my old chemo nbnurse down. Chemo destroys veins and mine are still in recovery. Claire is the only one who can access them.

Claire comes down, realises I am about to burst into tears and gets me into a private room where she throws her arms round me and hugs tight. I love my chemo nurse! Don't care about professionalism or all that rot, she was and still is an angel.

Anyways, she drew the blood and I went home and completely lost it. This is the first time I've done this since Amy was diagnosed. I have not handled this scare at all well. I have been sooo scared and negative. But I did prove something, you don't have to always think positive....

So, long story short, went for ultrasound scan on my own, was fine. Went to center parcs worried a lot, but still had fun. Finally got Hubby to say he'd come with me to the results meeting. Went to see the OB/Gyn today.

All good news, nothing to worry about... apart from the fact I'm still having periods which I shouldn't really be having. So suddenly we go from losing ovaries is bad, to well here are the options... she gave me three they ranged from do nothing to full clearout sale. I chose Option number Two, keyhole surgery to remove my ovaries and get the lining of myuterus microwaved.

Have to admit when she said this I had half a smile on my face, this image poppe dinto my head of me being rolled into a giant microwave, light going on, turntable turning... BING!

Anyways, I'm all booked in for my op and the kids think it's hilarious that I'm going to be getting a keyhole.

Must go got a friend staying, didn't want to leave those who knew worrying all weekend.

poisoning your daughter...

2005-06-05T17:13:00.000Z

Amy’s story, I guess I should continue. We left her last, waiting to have her first chemo. That day was spent being handed various bits of paper to read, leaflets to peruse and so on. Lots of work with the play therapist and then of course those dreaded permission forms. I hate those forms, they sit and tell you all the risks, right down to your child may die if we do this. Then you look at them and say but if we don’t do this she will die anyways so it’s not really a choice. Personally, I’d rather not know the risks unless the odds are very close. So we sign and then wait…

Pondering all sorts of stuff, will it hurt, what will it be like to have a bald daughter? How ill will she be? I’d watched some teenagers getting their chemo and they were being so sick, turns out teens are the worst because they over think everything. Chemo sick is a lot down to state of mind, bit like morning sickness, most of us can think ourselves out of morning sickness. There are just an unfortunate few who discover that there is an evil version of morning sickness and it doesn’t go away.

Back to the point, chemo, Hubby and George had spent the day with us but had to go home, still no sign of the chemo, the nurses said this was normal. That they preferred to give it in the evening cos then the child slept through the effects the first time. Finally we were called to the treatment room, where the drip stand was all set up waiting. My heart was in my mouth, here I was encouraging my daughter to sit on my lap and be given lethal poisons. Remember that saying we were taught at school “Just say NO to drugs” if only we could.

Two of the lethal cocktail needed to be given via a syringe into the line, hmm weird I used to be able to remember the names need to go look them up. First to go in was Actinomycin D, I could feel the tears pricking in my eyes so I started to make jokes with the nurse doing the injection. We nicknamed this one Tequila it was about the right colour. Amy seemed to like this idea.

Next up, Vincristine, this one is a bugger it makes the nerve endings stop working properly. Kids on this tend to get clumsier, Amy would sleep with her eyes half open. We called this one Chardonnay.

Finally, with me biting back tears and trying to be brave mum, they hooked up the drip and the Doxorubicin began to drip in, or Strawberry Daiquiri as we will always know it. Little did we know four years later I’d be having the same drug. Then Amy got to do her favourite thing… surf on a drip stand. She’d seen all the other kids doing this and was dying to have a go. Word of warning, if you ever visit a kid’s cancer ward, never walk round a corner without peeking round first. Try not to carry hot drinks, but if you must again keep checking. Drip stands are silent and deadly, they have all sorts of attachments to catch hold of you and they are heavy and not very stable. You only forget once…

Back we went to Amy’s bed, we had a fun night planned.. oh wait I forgot, before all the chemo was given first they loaded her up with anti sick about three different things I think. It is thanks to the wonderful scientists that have developed these powerful drugs that rarely do cancer patients throw up on chemo. They might feel queasy and nauseous but gone are the days of every chemo spewing up your insides.

So back we go to the bed, settle down, got a new video to watch on our bedside TV, some snacks to nibble on, eating helps a lot with the nausea. When I joked about the chemo drugs being alcoholic drinks… little did I know. They don’t warn you before they give them about this little side effect. I seemed to be sharing a bay with an drunken alcoholic aged six. Oh boy she was acting just as if she had downed all those drinks I’d nicknamed. She was funny though and with all this fluid being pumped in I got to run back and forth to the sluice room with bedpans of toxic waste.

Did I ever tell you all I hate rubber gloves, especially those ones Doctors use. Well you have to wear them when carrying your daughter’s toxic waste. Every thing that comes out has to be weighed and measured. So you label up bedpans the before you go to bed, and prepare yourself for a busy night. Although Amy and I did become famous for the fun pictures we drew on the bedpans to cheer up the night nurse who pulled the short straw and had to clear the sluice room.

One of the other mums who was a veteran, had bought Amy a great present for her drip stand. It was a sound activated spider that would race up the stand if it got knocked. I think we almost killed one nurse with that little toy.

So there I was with this drunken mood swinging child… and what was she like in the morning, you do NOT want to be in close confines ever with a six year old with a hangover. Actually make that a six year old with PMS and a hangover. Thankfully the hospital teachers and the nurses decided for my sanity I should go out for two hours that day. I think they were worried the cancer might be the least of their worries.

before I go...

2005-05-26T22:09:00.000Z

I should really put poor Michelle out of her misery. Seamus gets the prize, uhm hunts around, pulls out used kleenex... here's the prize!

I wrote this poem about eight and a bit years ago, when my son first started to walk. My kids moved early, this is not a blessing in any shape or form. Crawling at six months before you have depth perception is designed to make your mother a nervous wreck within a week. If my scanner were't being a beast I'd scan in some baby photos to show you. These two then went on to walk at ten months (Amy) and nine months (George).

One day he just walked up tome and put his tiny hand in mine and tugged, he had no real strength but he persevered, he had no language but he got me to follow. I sat down after he'd done it and just wrote this. It's been fine tuned since but the bulk of it was scribbled down in a few minutes. That moment I still hold dear in myheart. Even to this day he will still do this if he really needs me.

I hope he will always feel he can do that.

I am away to Center Parcs for a week with the kids and hopefully hubby. If he gets his act together and makes it down there. No internet, no cars, just peace and quiet. Should be lots of ducklings and goslings and cygnets. Although they are cute the mummy ones can be fierce. Last year we have a whole family of goslings wander into our villa for a visit.

LAst year I had just had surgery and had to be very careful this year I can join in. YAYY, going to take my knitting and the laptop to write. Will see you all in a week, oh we're at the Elveden site... it's flatter, saves on the legs when cycling.

tell me what you think...

2005-05-22T21:41:00.000Z

This is a poem I wrote a few years ago, I drag it out now just to see if it still works and to get soem feedback. Please be honest... just to get you started what do you think this is about?

His hand in mine.......

When he puts his hand in mine

I’m his to take away

When he puts his hand in mine

He knows I’ll always stay

When he puts his hand in mine

He takes hold of my heart

When he puts his hand in mine

I’m his forever and today

three, is the magic number...

2005-05-17T13:48:00.000Z

I spotted this the other day and thought I like it. Its appeal, it uses a number, we all know buses come in threes, all good things come in threes and my hubby always sneezes three times. Let's just hope cancer doesn't come in threes.

Three names you go by:

Amanda
Miss
Mum

Three screen names that you have had:

Noonie
GMNoonie
Noon

Three things you like about yourself:

eyelashes - never need mascara
my ability to make friends
positive outlook - most of the time

Three things you don't like about yourself:

too honest, makes me useless at secret keeping
my temper - when it goes it really goes - it's the viking in me
child bearing hips - thanks Mum you really didn't have to share!

Three parts of your heritage:

Viking
English
Spanish

Three things that scare you:

Spiders
Needles
Dying young and leaving my kids without me

Three of your everyday essentials:

mug of tea first thing
books
underwear

Three things you are wearing right now:

glasses
1994 Houston Marathon T shirt
grey socks - is that four?

Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):

Robbie Williams
Kylie Minogue
Nanci Griffith

Three of your favorite songs:

Too late - Nanci
Supreme - Robbie
Can't get you out of my head - Kylie

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:

tandem skydiving
flying a plane - glares at Michael - then hugs cos that was mean
crocheting

Three things I want in a relationship:

honesty
hugs
understanding

Two truths and a lie:

I have never broken a promise
I never forget a birthday
I love Christmas

Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:

eyes
floppy fringes eg. Hugh Grant
nice smell

Three things you can't do without:

chocolate
tea
hugs

Three of your favorite hobbies:

walking with my dog
reading
the internet

Three places you want to go on vacation:

New Zealand
Maldives
Yellowstone

Three things you just can't do:

wear feathers or touch them.. shudder
swim freestyle
touch gooey sticky stuff. like nappy rash cream ugh

Three things you want to do before you die:

see my kids grown up
raise a large sum of money for charity
stand on top of a mountain - nothing too big I don't want to climb Mount Everest

Three celeb crushes:

Hugh Grant
Tom Cruise - the young version
Gerard Depardieu

This was interesting made me really think about what I wanted to get out of life. So who to pass the baton to... hmmm... Celti, cos I know very little about her even though we talk online. Besides I can rely on her to pass this onto Tricia which gives me an extra choice. Brighton has to be in there, and uhm... Brighton and Celti will probably catch Seamus so save a choice.. I know the newest face at my comments... Michelle!

Just so there's no confusion tag to, Celti, Brighton and Michelle.

wot no blog...

2005-05-13T22:30:00.000Z

I know, I know I've been back a few days and no post. First couple of days was jetlag but today I had a bad trip to hospital. Went in asking for a procedure came out dreading test results. Not really feeling like going into details, just cross everything that it's nothing just Doctors being ultra careful.

I'm also having fun and games with bleeding, cut my foot on last night in Atlanta and it bled for an hour. Eventually Michael had to bandage it up to stop it. Then yesterday my nose bled for longer than usual, so had the joy of blood tests.

Does this roller coaster never end? So Atlanta... was great! What a beautiful city, so many trees, beautiful weather and fun things to do. As for the people I met, all wonderful and lovely. Tricia from Woodnotwood was hilarious, little scary at first as she clamped me in a vice like hug and didn't appear to want to let go, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world. Let's just say one of Tricia's hugs is equivalent to ten of anyone elses, they are well worth travelling all that way. Her hubby was lovely too, bless him as he took on the role of photographer, it felt as if he spends his life keeping up with Tricia.

I'm waiting for Michael to upload photos so I can copy and then put some up here. I was spoilt rotten by Michael, hugged by Bob and treated like an intelligent human being by all their friends. Something that doesn't happen much here at home. I cooked Thai food for thirty, a feat that even amazed me and I think I'm booked to cook Indian next trip.

We rode rollercoasters, went up Stone Mountain, which is like going to the moon and visited a Gay Bar. "You'll be safe in here, it's a gay bar!" were the famous last words...

Got felt up in a gay bar... whacked guy standing next to me on butt for goosing me, he claimed innocence, I'm not entirely convinced of his innocence but as he got a good slap will let it rest. Pair of us spent rest of trip teasing each other about the incident.

If you really want to know how spoilt I was... Michael put up with being dragged round Michael's Crafts for an hour, and various other shops on a hunt for stuff for Vannah. Hopefully package should be heading her way in next week.

Oh I forgot... the greeting at the airport... no wait.. it needs pictures. Will tell you all about that when I have the photo evidence, suffice it to say Atlanta thought it had a famous celebrity visiting. Hope they weren't too disappointed.

welcome to wigglies world...

2005-04-28T22:09:00.000Z

Ok, so I have no idea what part of the story this is, but it needs telling. So far we’ve joined the children’s oncology ward and we know that Daughter aka Amy has cancer. It’s on her kidney, the left one, and the lump is huge. They’ve also spotted something on the chest X-ray but aren’t sure. So now the experts at the Children’s hospital start to assess the situation.

On the Monday not a lot happened, I think this was the day she had a CT scan. I remember something about trying to get her to drink a litre of heavy water. This is a little girl who rarely drank more than an egg cupful of anything a day. Daddy took her to the scan, she managed most of the water, the rest of the day was taken up with meeting the school teachers and learning the ropes.

Another trial over those first few days was blood pressure medicine, nightmare as the only stuff they could use at that point was this melting tab that had to be held under the tongue for thirty seconds and tasted vile. All the nurses knew it tasted bad they had all tasted it. That was something we really appreciated, Nurses and Pharmacists who had tried medicines. In those first few days we also learnt that children needed to know the truth, because if you didn’t explain things to them they would overhear and imagine things much, much worse.

Amy’s consultant was a really nice man, who quickly cottoned on that hubby and I were bright people who understood science. After we cleared that up, talks with him went much better, he talked to us at a level we appreciated. We needed details, we wanted to know how things worked, how things had gone wrong, and we needed the kind of information he was feeding to his first and second year students. He turned out to be one of the leading researchers in Amy’s tumour.

That evening we got to experience the bad news room, shudder, the CT scan showed that she had a tumour growing on her left kidney and it was roughly the size of a small soccer ball. This is inside the stomach of a six year old. Worse still, she had metastases on her lungs. In other words the cancer had already begun to spread around her body. The enemy also gained a name… Wilm’s Tumour, a rare childhood cancer, only 75 children a year are diagnosed with it in the UK each year. To read more go here, the Cancerbacup site...

Wilm's Tumour...

This was all they told us, I suppose in a crisis like this you need your information in small doses. What they then told us was that she would have to have chemotherapy and that the best way to administer it for children was through a central line, or wiggly as it is known in the Children’s Hospital.

Here… they say it so much better at cancerbacup.

Central Line...

We were given the choice of this or a port, you can look that up if you want, we went for the wiggly because the consultant thought it a better choice. No needle to shove in it every time it needed accessing. So the plan was Tuesday, take a biopsy of the lump and fit Amy with a central line. Sounds simple, now explain this to a six year old.

Tuesday morning came and Amy was on nil by mouth. Explain to me please who thought it would be a good idea to put clip art of food items on the nil by mouth sign hanging over the bed?? Amy at first thought this was funny, later on she got cross with it. She went up to theatre just after lunch, and wasn’t gone too long. She came back throwing up, with a large dressing taped to her chest. The wiggly was in, and the next hurdle would be to get her to let us use it.

This was before I got brave, so Paul had taken her up to theatre and collected her. She had screamed the place down, and had to be held down for them to administer anaesthetic, Daddy looked drained. I don’t think we tried to use the wiggly till the next day. I may be wrong, but I’m fairly sure it happened on the night I first stayed in. The night of the biopsy was the night they told us that her prospects weren’t good. She had Stage IV Wilm’s and she was old to have it. If I figure out how to be clever I’ll give the links for the other parts of this story.

So Wednesday rolls round, and I have decided to stay the night. Amy’s nurse comes to talk to me, we need to use the wiggly. We both look a bit pale, but it has to be done, she warns me most kids panic and fight it until it’s being used then they realise they are fine. All day Amy had been playing with the special dolly with a wiggly and talking with the play therapist. Nice idea, but when it finally comes down to it, you look down at your chest and imagine two plastic tubes coming out of a whole in your chest. How would you feel about anyone messing with it?

I am a sneaky mum who also does not think that pussy footing around something helps the kid. So I was sat behind her giving her a cuddle. In walks nurse and student with tray and Amy backs up into my arms. It’s ok Amy we’re going to check that wiggly works, have you named them yet? Her nurse explained that she was putting the tray over here far away and that first we’d just unwrap the wigglies and see how they were. So carefully she unveiled this alien thing, and I had to bite my lip and not cry myself, it is the weirdest thing to see. Amy was shaking, and her voice pitch had gone up a few octaves, it was obvious she was petrified. We named the wigglies, Jake and Fizz, characters from her favourite TV show at the time.

The tray was moved onto the bed, now bear in mind a central line must be kept absolutely sterile at all times. We are all on the bed, the nurse, me and Amy. Amy is not happy and is beginning to squirm. The nurse starts to negotiate, Amy says no, the nurse keeps trying…. What seemed like half an hour later they are still trying, Amy is getting more and more distraught and I know there is no way she is ever going to say yes now, like me she has a very stubborn streak. I know this is not going to hurt her, I know all this anticipation is a more scary than using the wiggly so I take action.

I look the nurse in the eye, I ask, if it gets tugged a little will it come out? No, they are quite secure. I nod, are you ready to do this? Yep, as soon as Amy says so, Amy are you going to let her see if wiggly works… you can guess Amy’s answer. I’m sorry Amy but some things we have to do, as I talk I am wrapping my arms around her, not tight not yet, I catch the nurses eye and as I swing my legs over Amy’s legs and tighten my grip I say NOW. Bless her, the nurse blinked and then went for it, all the time Amy yelling at us. Until the syringe was attached and some blood appeared and she stopped. It doesn’t hurt she said amazed. I loosened my grip, we did try to tell you, haven’t we promised we won’t lie to you. Amy nods, watching fascinated now. Asking questions about what the nurse is doing, when the first tube is sorted she suggests they should make sure that one works. We’re all grinning by now and the procedure is quickly over. Then the student nurse settles down to chat with Amy as the nurse and I go for a walk, me claiming to need the toilet. When we got into the corridor out of earshot the nurse turns to me and says Wow, you really did that, I wasn’t expecting that. I pointed out I knew Amy well enough to know we weren’t doing her any favours trying to be nice. She agreed with me and we both held out hands, we were both shaking like leaves.

Whilst I love the idea that kids should have some say in their treatment, sometimes they are not helped by medical staff who keep waiting for the kid to calm down to do something. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. We learnt to love that wiggly, oh it caused some problems, but it saved having to stick a needle in every time anyone wanted blood.

Thursday was a better day, that evening we got the biopsy results, common Wilm’s histology; treatment protocol unclipped from a file and handed over. Chemo to shrink the lump down, surgery to remove it, and then more chemo to mop up any free cells. Finally radiotherapy to the lungs and abdomen if any sign of spread is shown during surgery. All this would take about nine months, first chemo that evening.

Tell you about that next time…

decisions, decisions...

2005-04-24T15:50:00.000Z

Hmm, decisions, decisions, I thought of writing about nagging this week. Then I realised that Seamus would be moaning about lack of puppy pictures, then I owe you all the next part of Amy’s story and finally I have my first three month check up tomorrow and wanted to blog about how that’s making me feel. Nagging can wait, always more material cropping up for that blogline, puppy pictures, we’ll see. Amy’s story can wait but my check up is beginning to hang over me.

I’ve been pootling along quite happily till last week. Not really worrying about anything much, but then I was checking my calendar and realised it’s time to go see Mr Sawbones this coming Monday. I have no idea what sort of check up this will be, or how often these check ups will be happening, all I know is I am beginning to panic. Just a slow simmer right now, but by about 11am tomorrow I should be cooking nicely.

Oh there will be the customary grope, probably the taps down the spine, the does that hurt, well it ain’t pleasant. But will I have to face the boob squishing machine? I swear if they made men put their balls in that machine someone would have redesigned it by now. I have suggested to my surgeon that maybe he’d like to try it, but he just grinned and said he was glad to be male. Course being young, if they do do a mammogram they will then decide that they can’t tell anything from it and have to do an ultrasound. I prefer those I can read those myself. Lot’s of practice taking Amy to hers, you can learn a lot. But in between mammogram and ultrasound I’ll probably lose a few pounds in sweat. It’s the waiting that gets to you, you wait to see the Doc, you wait to see the nurse, you wait for results. All this waiting, very stressful and what are they now deciding is a major cause of cancer… STRESS! Shakes head and goes back to picking at the skin on sides of fingers.

So the slow simmer began Thursday this week, my sight has been going a bit haywire so I booked an appointment at the opticians. I have never liked opticians much since the one I had when I was a teenager. Having your old optician try and join you in the chair is very off putting, I now only go to opticians with prefabricated walls and generally ask them to leave the door ajar. This guy was nice enough, we struggled with that awful puffer machine, don’t blink I’m going to blow a puff of air into your eye… blink, blink, blink. Finally he had to pry my eye open and hold it that way till he’d fired. Shudder, I was beginning to think a nice needle would be better.

After that we go into the testing room and he does a quick check,

O: Ahh it’s your left eye that seems to need some adjustment.

N: Ok

O: I’ll just take a look inside your eye…. Stare straight ahead….

N: blink blink blink

O: And the other eye…

N: blink blink blink … thinks why is it only one eye… brain whirrs

O: Ok I’ll just write this up… starts writing an essay.

N: Great give me time to get rid of the glowing spots.

O: Hah hah…. Scribble scribble, we’re now producing a thesis.

N: brain goes whirr whirr CLICK… maybe it’s a brain tumour, you’ve got a brain met behind your left eye…. Whirr whirr… steam starts to pour out of ears….. time is slowing to a crawl, he now seems to be writing a novel.

O: So your eye’s are perfectly healthy no problems at all, let’s just see if we can adjust your lenses. .. he is completely oblivious to the fact that I am having a minor nervous breakdown.

N: k… thinks stupid girl stupid girl stop scaring yourself.

You see how this works? Ok so Thursday night I am sitting tapping away at puter when I think, my boob itches. Oh it’s the right one, why’s it itching, gives self grope… AGGGHHH LUMP! Pokes some more, definitely a lump, don’t be silly, you’re just scaring yourself.

Later on in the evening I go sit in the living room and hubby guesses somethings wrong, What’s up… Found another lump, really weird it’s all spongy like the last one. Panic flits across his face but calmly he asks When you seeing Mr Sawbones. Monday, we relax not a lot can happen in a few days.

Friday I wake up, period from hell, boob no longer lumpy, lie in bed for a few minutes and breathe. Right that’s it I am demanding they take my ovaries, I’m not going through this every month. Besides my lump was oestrogen fed, the Tamoxifen is supposed to stop oestrogen getting to boobs therefore I shouldn’t be getting this happening. Therefore let‘s remove the main source of oestrogen, afterall why keep something in my body that is producing something which is a poison to me? I don’t care if there is an increased risk of brittle bones, increased risk of heart disease, I prefer a decreased risk of Breast Cancer reoccurring.

Only a day to go and I see Mr Sawbones and let him takeover the worrying. Meanwhile, this morning was a beautiful morning and I managed to persuade the kids to come walk the dog with me….

Early Sunday morning...

Specially for Tricia... I know she loves hats. This one is well chewed now.

who writes these questions...

2005-04-17T11:08:00.000Z

I finished my radiotherapy at the end of January this year, within two days one of my internet friends arrived in England for a week of touring around with me. We visited loads of places and had a really good time. I’d met him before briefly in Chicago when I had gone out to a big meet for members of a role playing club, yes Star Trek and yes I am sad and proud of it. A geek and proud of it! I have made some really good friends through this club and Bob is one of them.

He returns home and wants me to visit him. I prevaricate and ponder and point out that I’d love to but I also want to take the kids over to the US to visit friends as well this year. He solves this by introducing me to one his best friends, who just happens to have contacts in the right places in the travel industry and sorts me out a free ticket. So I am going to Atlanta at the beginning of May for a very long weekend.

Great, I hear you cry, jammy sod, I hear others cry (translation – lucky bastard), yeah yeah all those and very grateful to Bob’s friend Michael. But before I travel I need to sort out travel insurance, wouldn’t do to get free air tickets then drop down with some lurgy and get charged thousands by the American Health Care system. Would kind of defeat the object.

I started shopping around for insurance, I knew this was going to be difficult as I remembered booking our trip to Florida after Amy got better and struggling to get a good price. Let’s just start out by saying I HATE insurance companies. I wish there was some other way to do this.

I am a member of a Support Forum for Breast Cancer sufferers, survivors, patients, uh folks. Travel Insurance has often cropped up, getting cover when you’ve had any form of cancer is not simple. So I copied down the number of the company they said were good and rang them. So began a long haul to get some cover.

First stop a company recommended on the Support Forum, people had done well with this company, but the quote they gave me was £553. The questions they ask when they medical screen are so duplicitous it’s a wonder they insure anyone. The one that was scuppering me was “Have you seen a Doctor or Consultant more than five times in the last twelve months?” Uh yes, every time I had chemo, once a week during radio. The question I hate the most “Have you been told you are going to die?” Uh, isn’t everyone? Ne’er mind onto next company.

This company is an independent broker who specialise in insurance for cancer patients. Very nice lady really tried hard, gave me a number to ring to speak to the medical screening folks. Same list of questions, he then presses a button and says we can insure you for a supplement of £80. Woo hoo, says I and starts jumping about, “Wait, oh my computer is messing up, hold on a second.” Noonie freezes in place and waits, knew it was too good to be true, “I’m sorry Ms Noonie but my computer wasn’t doing the sums right it’s £491.” Slump, noonie flops in chair and sighs. Ne’er mind, maybe we can sort something out whereby the Breast cancer stuff isn’t covered but everything else is.

Back to nice lady at Brokers, “Oh yes, not a problem, your BC won’t be covered that will be £45 but to get this you first have to call another medical screening centre and get turned down.” Sigh, I phone and go through all the horrid questions again. I really hate this part. Right now I feel well, I am not undergoing any treatments, life is good but then you do all this and come off the phone feeling like a bad risk. Should I be picking out my gravestone and casket? I

I got off the phone this time and just burst into tears. I really don’t know why, I think it’s a combination of stress, frustration and fear. This is one of the side effects of cancer they don’t tell you about. I’m lucky I have a house and already had life insurance, but some women on the support forum can’t get mortgages or life insurance. Maybe we should just carry a bell and ring it “Unclean, unclean”

Well that sounds like the end of the story? Wrong, the next week someone posts on our support forum about a company that isn’t asking stupid questions and is giving out sensible rates that aren’t more than the cost of the holiday. I recommend this company to a friend who is trying to get her mum insured for a trip, they give her a brilliant rate and she has secondaries. So yesterday I rang this company, get this only four simple sensible questions. “Has your condition been diagnosed as terminal?” was the last one, much better way to phrase it. They are selling me an annual policy for the whole family, that’s two people with cancer history, plus two others, for worldwide travel including US for £120. Noonie flops in a corner and sighs, this company also pointed out to me that I had fourteen days to cancel, which no-one else had, I checked on the other policy I’d already paid for. Same rule so Monday I ring up for a refund. WOOHOO Atlanta here I come, fully covered.

Psst Michael, this does not mean you can break me while I’m there!

trapped...

2005-04-12T20:58:00.000Z

Over at Damp Dog you can see the cutest new fashion in rugs. Everyone should have one, but as I don't have room for one I've got my own mini version. He's not happy tonight, had his second lot of vaccinations and is not himself at all. I've had to be quite fierce with him. Laid down ont he kitchen floor and snuggled with him. Finally have tucked him up early and will deal with the extra pooh and wee int he morning, he is just not sociable right now, he needs to nap. But this is what he is like normally when I'm blogging. The table is a bit too tidy, I took this yesterday, today I've been clearing up all this itty bitty paperwork jobs. Today the table is covered in papers.

My current blogging place... note black footstool.

Its funny how like having a newborn baby this is. Tonight my mothering instincts kicked in, I knew he was overtired and grumpy, I did more or less what I would have done for my own kids. I am finally beginning to understand why childless folks treat their dogs just like children.

We're booked into puppy classes, which start in May and we can go for a walk outside the garden on Saturday. Thank the gods, I don't think either of us can stand the garden much longer. At the vets today Jinx met his first strange dog. Fortunately it was an old fella who was very understanding. Jinx was a good boy and showed he has learnt some manners. See what I mean about being like kids? I was so proud of him.

Here's a picture I took out of the kitchen window by the table.

My two boys...

I think George needs to practice his sit more! My next blog will be about the joys of getting insurance for a trip abroad post-cancer. I'm telling you this to discipline myself. More on the Daughter story to come...

laugh in the face of fate...

2005-04-05T21:50:00.000Z

Well life with a puppy is uhm... wet, busy and entertaining. he is a loveable soul, crawls into my lap for a cuddle and has figured out that he has to impress Dad. It is hard to explain what it is about him that makes me so happy, but I have felt so much better in myself since he arrived.

I've been out in the garden lots, it's looking very tidy. Son has barely mentioned the Playstation, although the novelty is wearing off and he is drifting back. But my kids are definitely spending more time outside and are definitely more active. I can't wait for next Tuesday when he will have had his second lot of vaccinations and we can start going for walks.

So far he's not woken us at night, settled right away first night, although he did try whining for a few minutes just as I got into bed. But then he quieted down and has been very good. Ok, so I do wade through piddle and pooh first thing, but I don't mind if I get sleep. I keep reminding myself this stage isn't forever, we will crack this housetraining bit.

Seamus was asking what I called him, I hadn't realised that I'd not said. There's a story behind it, as there should be behind all good names. On Saturday hubby finally caved, "I'm not saying yes." "But are you saying no?" I ask. "I'm not saying yes." So I went upstairs and arranged to become mum to our little pup. Then went to bed early and sat on internet reading up on puppies. Suddenly it was real, I'd been thinking about it for months and asking for weeks. Now it was real, the fight was over I could have my puppy. I was shit scared and panicking.

Finally it was bedtime proper and hubby came to bed. We settled down and I couldn't sleep. Tossing and turning, finally hubby asked what was up and I said I didn't think I should get a puppy afterall. You could tell he tried hard not to cheer. I got up and went to surf the net and chat to online friends.

I love the online community, if I can't sleep I can always find a friend to talk to. I found Ben online and told him, I'm allowed a puppy but I've changed my mind. We chatted, he pondered, he quizzed, finally he asked, what's really bugging you? I realised what it was, what if I got ill again, would taking on a committment like a pupy, a long term committment be tempting fate. Would I jinx myself. Ben laughed, that's silly, you cna't live like that. You should laugh in the face of fate and call him Jinx.

Jinx? Hmmm, we had thought of Jack. Jinx?

First time I met pup I knew his name... Jinx

Or if we are being posh... Dark Secret Agent Jinx. Because he is the Dog in Black.

the power of blogs...

2005-04-05T18:42:00.000Z

Over on the Hammonds site this message has been posted...

"Our Commentathon Fundraiser was a great success on April 1, even though we did not reach our $10,000 goal. We had wonderful visitors, commenters, and donors, we gave out some cool prizes, and it looks like we raised almost $7,000, and for that, I am deeply grateful to all of you."

thanks...

time to help fundraise....

2005-04-01T16:14:00.000Z

Each comment on April 1st means a dollar donated to a great cause!!! GO, COMMENT!! NOW!! please...

Well you all know why I support this. But here's another reason, Daughter had radiotherapy on her lungs which put her at increased risk of Breast Cancer, now I have it, her odds get worse. Help support this fundraiser and put an end to this disease, already great improvements have been made in treatments. It would be nice to have a decent cure by the time she is at risk.

Feeling selfish today, then bear this in mind, Breast cancer is never cured once you have it hangs over you for life. Breast cancer affects all ages and men and women. No-one is safe.

If you can afford to, please pledge something, if you can't afford, then post a comment to help increase donations. If oyu can help advertise the cause, please do... oh and Happy April Fool's Day, let's make a fool out of Breast Cancer.

look what chased in the Easter Bunny...

2005-03-28T21:45:00.000Z

Y'all remember me moaning I was having troubl;e getting hubby to agree to my getting a labrador...

Isn't he cute?

Look what I got...

Those daffs aren't long for this world. When I'm not looking he likes to bite them!

Pup's worn out, you should see Son!

Ahh, tis fun being a mum, even if he is short, black and furry. And oh boy does he need a bath. But son hasn't mentioned Playstation once, and played in garden with pup all afternoon.

all I want is a hug...

2005-03-26T13:48:00.000Z

No, really, some days that really is all I want. I don't know if it's just British men but I haven't met many who know how to hug properly. Not a quick squeeze then move on a real snuggle down and watch TV together all evening type hug. Thankfully my best mate knows how to hug, mainly I think because he loves to be hugged back. Hubby accepts that the pair of us are just hugging and that it means nothing else. But I really wish my hubby would stop being such a hug prude.

I had an idea for a new type of shop, the hug shop, but someone tells me it's already been done. Well would they hurry up and set them up over here please. I need hugs, I want to crawl into a big comfy lap and have a big pair of arms wrap around me and just snuggle. I want this so bad I have tears in my eyes thinking about it.

I often hug hubby, I try to stay longer, but after ten seconds, if we are standing, it's "Ok that's enough of that" and I am put aside. If I try to snuggle on the sofa he lasts a little longer, minutes maybe and then it's "It's too warm, get off." In bed at night, he cannot sleep touching, so he lies on his side of the bed, facing away and I lie the other side. I have cried myself to sleep some nights in this position and he hasn't even realised.

I don't blame hubby, he can't help how he was brought up. But I would love to know how to fix it. I could easily see myself having an affair with someone just for hugs. Thank heavens for my kids, they love to hug, but it doesn't completely fulfill the need. That longing to just be folded up and held, to feel safe and secure.

Over the passed four years through all our trials I have felt this need eating into me more and more. Some of my friends like to say , so eloquently, you just need sex. Hah, if only it were that simple. hugging isn't about sex, it's about human contact, it's about knowing that you're not alone whatever the problem. It's about handing over for those minutes and hours all your cares and just letting someone else hold them as they hold you. Just lately I've had so many cares to deal with. I could ramble on for a few more pages, but instead I'm going to post up a poem I'm working on. It's a work in progress, but I think it sums up how I feel right now.

Fights over
Tired now
What happens next?

Hopes dead
Futures gone
Wondering, will life go on?

On and on
Life goes
Will we ever get back on?

Empty sleep
Dreams lost
Maybe Hamlet had a point?

Friends lost
Guilt trip
Have we really beaten death?

let me talk to your supervisor...

2005-03-24T16:06:00.000Z

Before we got broadband we had two phone lines. One for the house, one for the computer. Now we have broadband and I'm meant to have had the second line disconnected, only it's proving a tad difficult.

You see the bill is in hubby's name but as he works long hours I get to sort out jobs like this. Now we've had broadband about three or four months maybe longer and still this isn't sorted. Our original excuse was, I was ill and it was hard to book engineers' visits when I wasn't sure if I'd be here. Here's how it goes now...

Me: Hello I'd like to have our second line disconnected please?

Them: Certainly Madam, can you give me your account number and the full address and which number you want disconnected?

Me: (gives the information needed)

Them: I'm sorry but you're not the bill holder.

Me: No I am his wife, he's at work and asked me to srot this out.

Them: I'm very sorry but we can only carry out this work if your husband calls us.

Me: But I'm calling from the other line, I know the account number and all the other information.

Them: I'm very sorry but it has to be your husband.

Me: Uh right, uhm so if I drag in any man off the street to speak to you for me you'd do it?

Them: Madam we need to speak to the bill holder.

Me: Ok nevermind. Hangs up.

Hubby came home and I explained the problem. "That's ridiculous" he said "Next time say you are me."

"But I'm not male?" me says very puzzled.

Hubby grins, mimes being on the phone "I'm sorry are you being rude? I don't believe this. May I speak to your supervisor please."

Hehe, now that was funny, but then he said, "We should do it when I'm off at Easter, only when they get the supervisor you put me on the phone."

I can just see it now the poor call centre worker going but he sounded female. The supervisor rolling her eyes. Course we won't do that, instead we'll be boring and I will nag hubby till he calls them on Tuesday.

Oh been working on the puppy front again... had a friend bring round her beautiful black lab puppy. Only thriteen weeks old and so well behaved. Hubby definitely wavered, at first we thought he wasn't going to, but when he had to go out and stopped to pet the dog and say bye to it. I'll try and post pics soon.

walking into hell...

2005-03-20T20:18:00.000Z

Well that last little piece about Daughter’s Lump covered a week, but some of the events are missing. On the Thursday before I had taken Daughter to see our Doctor. She had a sticky out tummy, Daughter not the Doc, and was moaning it hurt to hold it in. I figured we just needed to cut back on the snacks but it seemed odd as she wasn’t in anyway fat. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and looking back at pictures you can see a definite drop in her bodymass, but seeing her all the time we weren’t seeing it then.

Doc felt her tum and nodded and smiled to her, then said to me in quiet voice “I can feel a definite mass, we need to get her seen now.” Two hours later she had an appointment for the following morning at the local hospital. Hubby agreed to take Daughter as we knew with my phobia I tended to turn into snarling tiger just stepping inside hospital. That would be just for a basic need a check up type visit, I think hubby feared for lives if I went in worried about my daughter.

So I spent the next day, Friday, at a friend’s house, so glad I did. When the call came at lunchtime “Hi, it’s not good.” I’d guessed that from the hi. “She’s got a large growth on her kidney… blah blah flobalob.” At this point I handed phone to friend and dissolved into tears. An hour later she was driving me into hospital to hear the news from some Doctor.

This was where I learnt to really, really hate active listening. You know that technique counsellors use. They stare into your eyes and nod and look concerned. Trouble is I always felt like they wanted me to cry, they just wouldn’t give up till you dribbled a tear. But I prefer to do my crying at home, away from strangers at least. Well it was settled that Daughter had to now stay in hospital because the cancer was also giving her very high blood pressure. Hindsight again, so that’s why she’d been getting migraines, d’oh.

On the Sunday they moved her to the Children’s Hospital, or rather they gave us directions, a big pile of notes, well they seemed big then and sent us off. Great directions, we wandered around for a while, finally finding the place. Found the Oncology Ward and went in. ULP!

First impressions, everything you fear and more, kids of all shapes, sizes, ages and colours with bald heads. Too many drip stands and machines you’ve never seen or imagined with tubes running into kids. At first that is all you see, and running through your head are these whispers this will be your kid soon. You sit and wait in a small room, and then are led to your child’s bed. In our hospital they are all in bays of four, and ours was full, we’d had to wait till Sunday for a bed to become free. In the bed, or cot, next to Daughter’s was a gorgeous little boy. About two years old, bald as a coot and very friendly. He also loved to tell everyone they were stupid, which had Daughter giggling.

Opposite was a teenage lad, throwing up in a sick bowl held by his mum and eating crisps (chips) in between throwing up. Yeah, we did a double take too, but it’s something you get used to. I eventually could carry on eating my dinner while passing the sick bowl. This lad was having a rough time, but what we didn’t know was that this was his first chemo.

Finally in the far bed was a beautiful little girl, who immediately came over to say hello to Daughter, invited her to come meet her dolls. She was younger than Daughter but obviously a dab hand. Later that afternoon her mum returned form a short trip out to shops and presented Daughter with a “Little Princess” plastic glass. This was a taste of how life was really going to be, if only we’d known.

I sat on a chair by Daughter’s bed and froze, I couldn’t look around, I didn’t dare cry and scare Daughter. What I wanted to do was run… far and fast, I didn’t, well not right away. First we met a few hundred people, well ok a few, all would be looking after Daughter. Then some Doctor who looked younger than my daughter took a full history. Oh boy do they get thorough and it goes on for pages even down to pets.

It was just after this that I decided I should go phone a few people on my mobile and let them know what was what. I popped out, not taking my coat, as I wasn’t going to be long, outside the cold air hit me and I began to cry. I found a little place to hide and sat on the ground and sobbed. I didn’t know how I was going to be strong for Daughter when I couldn’t face going back in there. An hour later I was still sat there sobbing, it was freezing, it had snowed a little and I was frozen but I couldn’t make myself go back in.

I managed to phone my sister, burst into more tears and she shouted at me and told me off. Let me tell you, this is not the right thing to do. When someone is falling to pieces and you can only speak to them by phone yelling at them and telling them they have to get on with it for daughter is not helpful. Hung up on sister, cried some more, then phoned my friend who listened, was understanding and told me to hang in there she was getting on a train and would be there in half an hour tops.

Why was I in pieces? Reality hitting, suddenly all that the Doctors had been saying was making too much sense. Our beautiful girl, who looked so well was going to be ill. That is what is so crappy about cancer, you go in feeling fine, it’s the cure that makes you feel ill. I think mostly I was scared that if I went back in I would burst into tears again.

Friend was still talking on phone, letting me know where she was, how long I had to wait. I was shivering and she could hear it so she suggested even if I couldn’t go in the ward I should at least go in the building. Stepping into the warm corridors I did feel better, I slowly walked back and before she arrived I was back in the ward.

Walking back in that time was so strange, I didn’t see the illness or the machines, I suddenly noticed the children. They were happy and having fun, my daughter wasn’t in her bed so I went looking for her and found her making hats out of cardboard bedpans. So I joined and by the time friend arrived I was wearing a very fetching design of my own making.

Over the months we were in hospital on and off various people would come visit and go through the same thing. Some would never visit because they feared what they would see. I always felt sorry for those people; they missed seeing how strong our children are and how resilient they can be.

Hmm two pages, better not overdo it… more to come….

then they grow up...

2005-03-15T11:36:00.000Z

Sorry I've not posted in a while, been a tad busy. It seems to come in waves does busy. One week you have absolutely nothing to do and the next you're running round like a headless chicken trying to figure out which way is up. Just read the Yarn Harlot's post today... and it just goes to show, these kids they put you through everything and then... they grow up.

Read this... http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/archives/2005/03/14/going_going.html#comments

Will post something decent soon, still hunting for the puppy I am sure my hubby hid in the house somewhere as my birthday pressie on Monday. He wouldn't not get me one would he?

itch, can't scratch...

2005-03-11T12:55:00.000Z

Help, I've got this itch under my arm and I cannot scratch it. I scratch at it, but due to having had my lymph nodes removed under there it's all a bit numb so I can't feel the scratching. This must be a bit like when amputees get ghost pains. At least I have something there to scratch at but agggghhh....

Sorry had to share...

you’re so brave…

2005-03-07T18:35:00.000Z

Am posting this in hopes it will help anyone who is faced with a friend in similar position...

The number of people that have said that to me. When Daughter was diagnosed with cancer and we were in that twilight zone. Not knowing what exactly it was she had, numbers being thrown at us. Meeting endless Doctors, Nurses, Counsellors and other patients and parents. To get home and be told “You’re so brave.” Or “I don’t know how you do it?” was wearing at times. Worse still were the ones who rang up to tell us how devastated they were and then would break down in tears. Hubby stayed in hospital the first few days and I was dealing with all this at home as well as trying to help a very worried little boy understand why we were all in such a state. Whilst not really knowing what to tell him, we hadn’t met the counsellor for that yet. I was falling apart inside and yet feeling as if I had to be strong for all these people. Finally I lost it and fortunately I lost it not with one of the devastated but with the friend who was propping me up. She took control, set up a phone tree and took the devastated in hand. Calling them all up and arranging for them to call her for information.

Another friend took to dropping round meals and wine. She took piles of washing and it returned clean and ironed. Which was a bit of a shock, I never iron . The first silver lining. Another friend would pop in each day and just clean up, little things and very mundane but until you are in this position you don’t realise what a big help they are. One mum took charge of my son, saying it wasn’t fair him having to be picked up by someone different every night and she virtually adopted him. She’d hand him back to whichever of us got home that night all ready for bed and a happy boy.

But brave? Were we brave? No, bravery is a choice made when faced with danger or fear. We had no choices, we just had to get on with it. The first five days were hell, and then they dropped a real bombshell on us, “Oh we think the biopsy will show a bad histology we think her chances of survival are 5%.” This was not helped by the nurses and Doc looking very glum and the Consultant sniffing the whole time.

I had to go home with son on the train, friend was with me but I sobbed at the station. She was dosing me with Bach’s Rescue Remedy, I’m sure it’s the brandy in it that helps and not the flower essences . Sitting on that train with all these people going about here normal day was surreal. I took Son to bed, had a long cuddle with them, then curled up on sofa with two friends and a big blanket and waited for hubby to get home. He arrived home after midnight, Daughter had taken ages to fall asleep.

I will never forget that night. This man who I had leaned on for everything fell apart in front of me and wailed. I’m welling up now just remembering it. I hope I never have to see it again. We talked and talked, cried and cried and then we began to reason. What were these numbers anyways? Who was to say our daughter wouldn’t be one of the 5%, in fact dammit she was going to be because we wouldn’t believe anything else. We had a duty to carry on as normally as possible, so she was ill but she didn’t have to live life as if she was going to die. Hubby went off to bed, but I couldn’t face it. It was a weird night, I rang my best mate who lives in the US and she talked with me for an hour or so. Thank heavens for time zones, always a friend awake somewhere in the world when you need them. About four am something strange happened, there was an electrical storm and I sat and watched it. It seemed to echo how we felt.

That morning hubby headed off at 6am to the hospital, so he’d be there when Daughter awoke, and I realised I wasn’t scared anymore. It was like a switch had clicked across in my head, it was going to be tough but we were not going to believe the worst. For Daughter’s sake we were going to believe the best case scenario. It was only then I did something brave, I went into hospital with an overnight bag and agreed to stay in with daughter. When this all started I had a severe phobia of hospitals, it took everything I could muster to stay. Now that was brave!

Of course this game is never simple… two days later we got the biopsy results. The Consultant was beaming, he handed us a sheaf of paper and said “It’s alright it’s the good histology, 95% chance of cure, here’s the standard treatment protocol.” We tried not to fall over in dead faints. She still had cancer, but he was smiling, so I asked “Uh you seemed upset the other day you kept sniffing.” He looked horrified and said “Oh no, I had a cold, you didn’t, I’m sorry I didn’t think.” Mummy and Daddy collapse in little heaps in the bad news room, they gave us half an hour to recover.

Soldiers going to war are brave, fire-fighters running into burning buildings, that’s brave. Holding out your hand for another needle is brave. Not running off and hiding in the toilet when they produce your chemo that’s brave.

More to follow… this is a long story.

life's not fair...

2005-03-01T13:41:00.000Z

There are some conversations I wish I’d never had to have but instead I keep having to have them. This weekend Son and I went out for lunch, sneaky mum needed to find out if he was worrying again. As he has been acting up at school so in I plough hoping it isn’t what I think it is worrying him. It was… dammit!

But all that set me to remembering and realising what my mum said was true “Life isn’t fair.” Conversation starters that no parent should ever have to have with their child. I hope that because I’ve had these I’ve saved some other person out there from having to do the same.

Daughter: Mum am I going to die?

Mum: We hope not, we’re doing the everything we can to make sure you don’t. But you have to help us to beat The Lump.

Son: I’m worried you’re going to die mum.

Mum: Trust me Son it’s not on my list of things to do this year, and I’m doing everything the Doctors tell me to.

After Daughter finished treatment she went through a few months of hell, something they call Survivor’s Guilt, she knew two of her hospital friends had died. It took a psychiatrist to bring her back to us, it’s unfair that a ten year old has to understand death so well. Now I think Son is in need of some help, thankfully school is helping to sort this.

I have work calling and asking me when am I going back. I tried to explain to my boss that I didn’t think I would be coming back. It’s been a hard decision to make, I really enjoyed my job, but I have to put my kids first. These last four years they have been through so much and I feel that having mum at home when they need her is important. But there’s a negative part of me that also thinks what if? What if I do get reoccurrence and I waste valuable time I could have spent with my kids at work. Attending meetings, staying late to get marking done. Right now my kids still want to spend time with me, this isn’t going to last much longer, I should make the most of it. So now I just have to convince my Department Head. She’s a lovely woman but it just didn’t seem to sink in when I told her. Instead she asked if I still wanted to go on a training course. I feel like I’m letting work down, but surely letting my kids down has to take priority over that. Now I just need to pluck up courage to go into work and sit down with the head and my DH and let them know how I feel.

Maybe now you see why I call this blog Stop the ride I want to get off… other people’s lives sometimes look better. I feel like I’m at the amusement park on a rollercoaster looking across at the nice carousel and wishing I’d picked that one.

"he hath a lean and hungry look..."

2005-02-25T16:17:00.000Z

So first off, WOW and then maybe a COOL, and finally SLUMP. Last night we went out to the theatre, it has been so long since we went out together to the theatre. It took it being a work thing to get us there but it is a start. We did something together that we really enjoy and actually had two long conversations in the car. Something we haven't done in a while, with all we've been going through the passed four years I'm sure we can be forgiven for losing the plot.

Anyways, I digress, back to the play which is where all those gasps of amazement came from. We went to the RSC production of Julius Caesar at The Swan Theatre in Stratford. I love going to see Shakespeare, I was lucky to have an English teacher who knew how to teach it right. Her classe's never thought of Shakespeare as boring and this has stayed with me. But I think most people would have enjoyed this production, the set was post modern scaffolding structure, the costumes all street wear of today and the cast were for the most part young and vibrant.

I am glad I wasn't wearing anything white, as the stage blood was flying about and in much abundance. Son would have probably enjoyed it, at the end of the play I pressed my programme into a drop of the blood to get a print to show him. He was very impressed. The Swan theatre is beautiful, it is a theatre in the round and these were the best seats I have sat in in a while. We were right by the stage and at times I had to lean back for fear of being bumped by the actors.

Oh, and the lean and hungry look quote? Well two of the actresses looked like this, I mean I suddenly came over all mumsy and wanted to rush down to McDonalds and get them a Happy Meal or three, each. Honestly they were so thin when they turned sideways it was like they stepped off the stage.

Slump, by the way, refers to how I felt at the end. The effort of thinking what they are saying back into English then add in the energy of this production, and slump is what I did when I got to the car. I wanna go again... scuse me need to go whine at hubby and check out the website of the RSC.

Oh, on another thread completely, am working on hubby to get a puppy. Chances of success probably nil. But his boss has nine puppies that need a home and he says I can have one. We just have to sneak it past the Hubby . You think he'd notice one if we sneaked it in? Maybe not while it was little, but Labradors do get bigger.. sigh.

when weathermen get it wrong...

2005-02-24T15:20:00.000Z

Well Son is not impressed, all week we have been promised snow. At the weekend it was going to be a few inches, we had a few flakes. Monday, four inches and wrap up warm it's going to be cold. Snow started, it settled, an hour later it melted. Son arrives home from school, throws coat on floor in disgust "Weathermen always lie about snow." he snaps, kicks his shoes off and stomps off. I stand there looking down at my feet, "Hi Son, how's was your day? Thanks for the hug..." stepping over the coat I wander back into the living room and settle down to watch TV and respond to requests for food, drink... Playstation.

Tuesday, and it's looking more hopeful, it really makes an effort, we get a few hours of snow. Only within hours it has also melted. Son is not amused and when his sister arrives home from school to announce that "They say it's going to be six inches tonight!" Son huffs at her and turns up the sound on the TV. I wonder is this like believing in Father Christmas and the Tooth Fairy?

In our house both kids know that Mummy believes in Father Christmas and always will. They also know that Daddy is the Tooth Fairy and very fetching he looks in his tutu and sparkly wings. It's his own fault he should be more careful when rummaging for teeth under pillows.

So now Son has lost all faith in the weatherman. I think for now this only applies to snow prediction. Yesterday there was loads, it was great, we threw snowballs and slid. It was snowing heavily as I walked back from school, I really thought it had set in and we would get the six inches. Must point out by loads I mean about an inch but it wasn't melting. However, two hours later I look out of the window and all the snow has gone. Foiled again.

Today, we woke up to a good three inches, and it was great snow. The sort that makes perfect snowballs and snowmen. Son was up at 6am so that he could go out and play before school. When we got to school all the kids had gone onto the field completely ignoring all rules about not going on the field in winter. Within ten minutes they had built two large snowmen. Then they got called in, it's been snowing and sleeting all day. But there is the problem, while it was sleeting the ground cover stuff was melting. So we are back to square one again.

See it did snow! Blink and you'll miss it.

I remember when I was a kid it would snow and settle, it lasted long enough to make things, find the sledge, walk to the Downs and ride the sledge. These days, well you've seen what happens. It's sad, will we have to travel with our children to find snow? Nothing beats being outside at night after a thick snowfall, better still when it's still falling. Those big feathery flakes, the absolute silence, everything muffled, just the crunch of your boots in the fresh snow....

Oh well, my grandkids will probably wear shorts all year round and finally we will discover the joys of AC for homes.

subliminal brainwashing...

2005-02-19T15:20:00.000Z

Well it's either that or I am going loopy. I found myself cleaning up the kitchen and living room today. Willingly on a Saturday and there can only be one possible cause of this strange event. I have been brainwashed, by the Stepford Wives DVD. Be warned this DVD can cause you to want to clean house and long for clear surfaces, I'll be making sculptures out of pine cones next.

All that aside I hit the usual annoyance. PILES! Why is it my hubby is so tidy that his workmates fear for his sanity, he has a clear desk at work, even his mug goes in a drawer. Yet at home tidy to him here involves piling up everything somewhere he cannot see it. Which is all well and good until the rest of us need to find something.

I cannot leave anything out for five minutes when he is home. This was a real drawback when the kids were babies, babies require attention NOW so you drop everything where it is and go sort them. Which was fine on days hubby was at work, but when he was around you'd return to find the project or job you needed to get done, that had take a couple of hours to lay out, piled up neatly on the windowsill.

He finds days when we get all the craft stuff out painful. I learnt early on that with kids the trick to get quality arts and crafts out of them is to set out everything somewhere safe ie. hose downable and then leave it out for the day or even a few days if it's possible. Then you sit and have a go yourself and they like to watch and copy. Oh you still get piles of dross but then they get it and bingo you get something that you want to keep forever. I have a few baubles for the Christmas that my kids made that I hope I'll still be dragging out as a Grandmother. Touch wood. But that's a topic for another day, preferably when there's no-one around to hear me cry.

some light relief...

2005-02-17T23:35:00.000Z

Or so I thought, not so sure about the results but maybe I'll just take the test again, nah that would be cheating.... I'll just get hubby to take it instead.

Try it yourself...

It got worse, I did get hubby to take it...

Can I site this as a reason for divorce?

the fog lifts...

2005-02-15T19:35:00.000Z

Depression is a strange thing, on Friday the fog just lifted and I felt so much better. Over the weekend I tried to figure out what had helped and realised it was the fact that those who support me didn't tell me to cheer up or get a grip. Instead they agreed it was probably normal and not to worry about it, so I relaxed and let it flow and it passed. Wish all bouts of depression were as easy to rid myself of.

It was a relief that the fog lifted as the kids have a week off school and I had feared for their sanity if I was in that terrible mood. But so far we've had a good week, managed to keep son off of the Playstation for a few hours each day. Daughter has pried herself away from the TV at times. We've made foam roses, coloured in some window stickers and read books. If we carry on like this by the end of the week the house should be crammed with junk.

Which brings me to my first attempt to get on with life. While I have been ill the clutter in the hosue has been breeding and Monday I decided enough was enough. Setting myself a manageable target...... our bedroom and bathroom I set out to clear the clutter. Our bedroom was beginning to look more like a jumble sale than a place to retreat to. Apparently that is what a bedroom should be according to all those interior design programmes I've been watching on daytime TV. So I shifted, sorted and binned until I found the carpet, surfaces and oh yes a bed. thenof course I found dust... so I cleaned.

When hubby came to bed last night he panicked and clung to the walls claiming that he was suffering from agarophobia due to the increased space in the room. I hurled a stuffed animal at him and that seemed to cure him.

Now I have to decide where to start next, we are rapidly running out of stair width, but then as you clear each room, that's where stuff gets dumped, I refuse to go in daughter's room, I might never emerge again. Son's bedroom is dangerous unless you are wearing hard sole shoes and a crash helmet. Maybe the kitchen, but that could take weeks.....

in the beginning...

2005-02-10T11:57:00.000Z

Hmm, how to start.... I've got some big decisions to make and this seemed a good way to work through process. Better that than drive all my friends into hiding.

Finished treatment for breast cancer two weeks ago, mutilation, baldness, weight gain and BBQing. Uh I mean surgery, chemo and radiotherapy and am now on those glorious tablets - tamoxifen. All that and they can never say you're cured. Great disease, but now it's all over for now and I have to get back on the ride we call life. Which means while I am now convalescing I have to make decisions about work, should I go back full time, part time, at all? Do I owe my kids after all this stress more of my time?

Post treatment is a weird time. Everyone expects me to be elated but all I feel is depression dragging me down. Been here before I know how it feels, which is good means I can fight it. Another reason for starting this blog.... I know if I talk out how I feel I can stop the slide downwards, giving the drug I use time to pull me back again. This happened when my daughters treatments ended, then it was worse because friends we'd made in hospital had lost their babies and we had still got ours. Survivor's Guilt they call it, it is not pleasant.

So for now I need to figure out how to get back on the ride called life, and which one I want to join. Work or stay at home mum...